A Liberating Embrace

Most people, especially those with siblings, grow up learning how to avoid blame. Whatever the problem, “It wasn’t my fault!”

Unfortunately, such behavior easily becomes a life-long habit – and one with life-limiting consequences!

I was such a person. By the time I was 18, I had become adept at avoiding blame and responsibility. I always had an excuse. It wasn’t so much about blaming others, as not accepting blame myself.

The behavior was almost completely invisible to me. I never thought of myself that way. And I didn’t realize that it cast me, in every situation, in the role of victim.

A victim is not responsible. Something “just happened” to them. You can’t hold them accountable for it. It’s not their fault.

Doesn’t that sound appealing, at some level? But there is a major problem with it: If you are a victim, you are helpless. The battle’s over, and you lost. There’s nothing you can do about it.

After losing an 8-year marriage to my victimhood, I remarried. My new wife brought 5 kids with her, and I brought 1.

This woman had been married to an alcoholic. She had had to be both mother and father to her children. In desperation, she called out to God for help – and received numerous insights.

As we began to grow together, I learned a great deal from her. One of the most profound lessons can be simply encapsulated: Embrace responsibility!

In other words, let your first response in any situation be to take the blame on yourself! Ask, “How did I cause or allow this to happen? How can I remedy it? How can I avoid having this problem again?”

When I take the blame – regardless if I can see how exactly it was mine – along with it comes a marvelous bonus: The power to change things!

It’s an attitude and an expectation, and it is borne out by reality. If it’s my fault, I can do something about it. If it is someone else’s fault, I’m a helpless victim.

Try it and see. Next time you find yourself in a situation that you don’t like, say to yourself, “How did I bring this about or allow it to happen? What must I do to fix it – and avoid its recurrence?” Implicit in those questions is the assumption that you CAN change things.

It’s especially effective in conflicts with a spouse, child, or parent. Just being willing to take responsibility, expressly, has a profound effect on the other person. Try it. Your life will change.