No matter what circumstances led to the current condition of your marriage, all that doesn’t matter anymore. All that matters now is that you need to find a solution to your marriage problems. You desperately want to keep your family together, but the problem is – you want a solution that works.

Most people think that when marriages take a turn for the worst; the only solution is marriage counseling.

But when you turn to marriage counseling, the focus is on behavior, action and doing. And in fact, it’s very possible that you could DO all the tips, techniques and offered to you by your marriage counselor, yet still wind up unhappy and frustrated with each other. Why?

Pastor and international marriage expert, Mark Gungor’s has one of the best answers I’ve seen. He makes a wonderful point that we just don’t hear enough. Here’s what he said:

“If your view of marriage is flawed, all the energy and strategy you are using (such as our marriage will be better if we just do this or change that) will end in failure…you must work on your marriage BECAUSE you believe it IS valuable, not because you are trying to make it valuable.”

Did you know that most marriage counselors do not believe your marriage IS valuable? Many of them have already divorced, so why would they see your marriage as any more valuable than their own?

They believe marriage is simply expendable and that the kids will be ok. They hold the belief that not all couples are meant to be together which is why they are so quick to give up on your marriage.

Now I know I’m making a generalization about ALL marriage counselors and I do realize that there are some “renegade” marriage counselors who do not follow these beliefs. But based on the countless “horror stories” from the couples I’ve worked with over the years, these counselors are few and far between.

What kind of “horror stories” you ask? Good question.

I know this may be difficult to believe, but many of the couples I’ve worked with over the years who have attended marriage counseling told me that their marriage counselor actually advised them to DIVORCE!

These couples attended marriage counseling because they wanted to save their marriage, not hear from an “expert” that their marriage is hopeless!

In fact, there have been statistics recently that stated 80% of marriages that end up in divorce could have been saved if the couple had only received the proper help they needed.

And as time goes on…while our divorce rate continues to remain at 50%, the truth about marriage counseling is increasingly gaining more exposure with new alternatives to marriage counseling popping up all over the net.

Now the REAL question you must ask yourself is this…

If the two of you don’t believe your marriage IS valuable, and worth doing every positive thing you can to make it healthy again (marriage counseling not in the list), then what hope can you have for your marriage?

The reason couples end up in the offices of marriage counselors is because they want somebody to help them do what they’re not able to do… believe their marriage IS valuable. Talk to virtually any couple who has been to a marriage counselor and you’ll find them in agreement.

But the sad truth is that most marriage counselors just don’t believe marriage itself IS valuable.

What all this boils down to is this:

Marriage Counselors need to take a good look at their massive failure rate and realize that they’re doing more harm than good.

Ultimately, the real reason for their failure to save marriages may have something to do with their initial schooling and education.

Most people don’t know this, but marriage counseling as taught in universities isn’t marriage counseling at all. It’s therapy for individuals.

80% of all private practice marriage counselors in the U.S. say they conduct marriage therapy, yet only 12% are in a profession that requires them to take EVEN ONE course on dealing with couples, (Dr. William J. Doherty, Minneapolis MN)

As a result, they prefer to work with each person individually, instead of as a couple.

So my advice to you is…

If you’re considering seeing a marriage counselor, take this as your alternative view. If your marriage problems persist, you’re far better off with a weekend marriage seminar or a marriage coach than a marriage counselor.

In fact, do a quick search in Google for “alternative to marriage counseling”. What you’ll find is a variety of solutions that don’t involve marriage counseling. And very often these alternatives are less expensive, less invasive and not at all emotionally draining – much unlike what you might find in traditional marriage counseling.

Get the full story on couples counseling and why it’s not at all what it’s cracked up to be. For a solution-oriented marriage counseling alternative, visit Larry Bilotta’s website at FulfilledCouple.com to get your marriage back on track and put an end to your marriage trouble.

All of which I am perfectly fine with.

But recently, I opened an email to find this shocking subject line, “Your comment that “Women don’t leave great guys” is horse***t.”

Okay, I admit, I’m reading closely now.

My comment, (actually my wife Marsha’s quote), “Women don’t leave great guys” brought about a firestorm of reaction from this particular man. I’ll call him “Joe” to protect his privacy.

Now I always try to keep in mind that there are two sides to every story…

But this article apparently struck a nerve with Joe compelling him to describe to me exactly how and why he was a great guy to his wife and yet – how his wife “repaid” him by drinking and running up all kinds of debt.

As he put it, “I was the great guy who did everything he could including working two jobs averaging 80 to 100 hours a week.”

Joe then began driving his winning point home…

“I’ve asked myself what I did wrong. It was being too forgiving, too understanding and too honest. (Larry,) please think more about the 5% of men who really are great guys before you write another book”, he stated.

Well, I didn’t write a book on this topic, but instead it was an article which you can find here:

Does a Cheating Wife Inevitably Lead To Divorce?

But I offer Joe’s point of view to you because it sheds some light on the big idea that I don’t want you to miss.

When you’re CONVINCED that you are good, that you are right, that you’ve been done wrong, and then make your case with no room to receive any other point of view, you’ve just risked going BLIND.

That’s right, blind.

We all know it as self righteousness.

It happens when you’ve been hurt so bad by someone you love, know or trust, that you become SO angry…and you just can’t see past your point of view.

But you can prevent this from happening before things get out of control.

Here’s how…

The time to take a good, hard look at your marriage is NOW.

Look for the signs that your marriage is taking a turn for the worst.

And yes, although most spouses are completely shocked when their spouse tells them the marriage is over, there ARE several warning signs that should alert you to a serious problem in your relationship.

Here are 2 of these signs:

1. INTIMACY: Intimacy is the first place to look. When this starts going wrong, you know it because one person is complaining about it, resisting it or criticizing it. If you ignore these small signs and don’t find a way to start talking about this important issue in a safe way the two of you can handle, the complaint gets buried and becomes fuel for resentment.

And that’s when one spouse stops voicing their concerns and goes quiet. Not a good sign.

Which brings me to the next warning sign…

2. TALKING: Another bad sign that your marriage is taking a turn for the worst is when the talking stops. When intimacy goes bad, that should wake you up, but when talking goes sour – that should be a rude awakening.

Intimacy and communication are the two most important components of a fulfilling marriage. Don’t pretend they’re not important. They are.

I hope this blog post will cause you to take a second look at your marriage. Don’t wait until it’s too late. Even if you think you’re the perfect husband or wife, your spouse may think differently. And ultimately, that’s what matters most.

So what if your friends agree that you treat your spouse like gold. Who cares if you’re able to be the sole supporter of your family?

If you want a fulfilling marriage, BOTH of you need to identify, and then meet each others’ needs instead of being what YOU consider a “good husband” or a “good wife”.

It’s your spouses’ perception of you that counts.

If your marriage is failing, instead of looking to blame your spouse for your marriage problems, look in the mirror and put yourself in your spouses’ shoes. Ask your spouse what criteria s/he defines as a good husband or wife.

What you find may surprise you.

Want to overcome the most difficult issues in your marriage by focusing on the SOLUTION instead of the issues? For a solution-oriented alternative to marriage counseling, visit Larry Bilotta’s online marriage counseling alternative web site to get your marriage back on track and overcome your marriage problems.

THINK AGAIN.

The following article is Larry Bilotta’s take on Lori Gottlieb’s latest column, “Marry Him!” From the March 2008 issues of Atlantic Monthly.

Well, it’s finally happened.

The following article is Larry Bilotta’s take on Lori Gottlieb’s latest column, “Marry Him!” From the March 2008 issues of Atlantic Monthly

Well, it’s finally happened.

This woman described the fact that women in their 30′s and 40′s all over the country are now waking up to the fact that they simply can’t expect the Hollywood-style romance in marriage.

Who is this woman? Its National Public Radio commentator Lori Gottlieb who decided in her late 30′s that waiting for the perfect man was not working. She decided, as she put it, “in a fit of self-empowerment, to conceive her baby with donor sperm because she hadn’t met Mr. Right yet.”

Rather than making her free and independent, this left her feeling empty, stressed out and not very attractive to suitors who were a bit put off about the idea that she has a sperm donor’s baby.

Her conclusion and urgent advice to women? In a word…SETTLE.

Settle for a basic good man and stop searching for “love”, “connection”, “soul-mate” or just “passionate feelings”.

But what if you’re already married? Are you better off “settling” for a loveless marriage than moving on in your “quest” for a soul mate?

Before you try marriage counseling, consider a positive alternative to marriage counseling where you can save your marriage from the privacy of your own home.

Marriage counseling can very often make your marriage even WORSE.

Now on the other hand, if you’re still SINGLE…

Lori has written exactly what I’ve been trying to tell women for years and I just want to take a moment right now to share it with the whole country…

“A number of my single women friends admit (in hushed voices and after I swear I won’t use their real names here) that they’d readily settle now but wouldn’t have 10 years ago. They believe that part of the problem is that we grew up idealizing marriage–and that if we’d had a more realistic understanding of its cold, hard benefits, we might have done things differently. Instead, we grew up thinking that marriage meant feeling some kind of divine spark, and so we walked away from uninspiring relationships that might have made us happy in the context of a family. ”

In the event that you don’t check out her article on the Atlantic Monthly’s web site for yourself, let me quote Lori as she drives home the point that this is not just her talking from her own experience.

She states that women blindly ‘buy into’ the love-ethic (i.e. you do nothing and get love in return). Lori points out that there are many best selling relationship books being written right now for women to wake up and realize that marriage is MORE IMPORTANT than love.

Take a gander…

“I’m not the only woman who accepts settling as a valid choice–apparently so do the millions who buy bestselling relationship books that advocate settling but that, so as not to offend, simply spin the concept as a form of female empowerment. Take, for instance, books like Men Are Like Fish: What Every Woman Needs to Know About Catching a Man or Find a Husband After 35 Using What I Learned at Harvard Business School, whose titles alone make it clear that today’s supposedly progressive bachelorettes aren’t waiting for old-fashioned true love to strike before they can get married.

The approaches in these books may differ, but the message is the same: more important than love is marriage.

To achieve that goal, women across the country are poring over guidebooks that all boil down to determining, “Does he like me?,” while completely overlooking the equally essential question, “Do I like him?” In other words, whatever compromises you have to make–including, but not limited to, pretending to be or actually becoming an entirely different person–make sure that you get some schmo to propose to you before you turn into a spinster.”

Now that this idealistic viewpoint of “do nothing and get love in return” has been exposed, let me explain my reason for making a big deal out of this. Now I want to warn, this may come off to some as a shameless plug for my Fulfilled Couple Club marriage school, but I think it’s important you understand where I am coming from in my take on the complete sham known as ‘love ethic’.

After literally 27 years of development, I’ve found a way to teach couples who are miserable and frustrated in their marriage how to actually be married AND happy.

Yes, I said married AND happy.

It IS possible and I’ve proven it again and again with couples in all walks of life. A happy marriage consists of two people who are getting what they need, enjoying their lives and feeling like fulfilled individuals every day.

The way I do this is simple. I teach the husband how to understand and then accept his wife as a woman (not trying to turn her into a man). I then show the man what he needs to do in order to keep his wife happy and loving him the way he wants to be loved.

Next, I teach the wife how to understand and then accept her husband as a man (not trying to turn him into a woman). Then I shown her what she needs to do in order to keep her husband happy and loving her the way she wants to be loved. To ensure this all works, I show them both how to eliminate their negative feelings in 60 seconds.

Simple? Yes. Easy? No.

Don’t kid yourself. This process takes time. For a marriage in deep conflict, a weekend seminar, book or course just won’t cut it. You need a teacher in your life who knows how to accomplish this. Someone who lives what they teach, rather than someone going on their 3rd marriage.

As you might guess, I’m talking to women, because as Lori Gottlieb says…

“Settling is mostly a women’s game. Men settle far less often and, when they do, they don’t seem the least bit bothered by the fact that they’re settling.”

If you are a woman reading my commentary about Lori’s article, your response will be totally dependent on where you are in years.

In your 20′s? Not likely you read this far.

In your 30′s? You might start seeing your husband with a new perspective.

In your 40′s? Lori’s article in Atlantic Monthly is real food for thought.

If you walk away with anything from this article, it should be the rude awakening that marriage is NOT about love.

I will leave you with one last passage from Lori’s column with her take on what marriage REALLY is…

“It sounds obvious now, but I didn’t fully appreciate back then that what makes for a good marriage isn’t necessarily what makes for a good romantic relationship.

Once you’re married, it’s not about whom you want to go on vacation with; it’s about whom you want to run a household with. Marriage isn’t a passion-fest; it’s more like a partnership formed to run a very small, mundane, and often boring nonprofit business. And I mean this in a good way.”

Lori’s got the right idea, but it doesn’t have to be that way.

Do something TODAY about the current condition and direction of your marriage. If you don’t, and you wait and just ‘hope’ that one day things will be better, you’ll end up facing the cold hard truth and find out for yourself that frustration leads to resentment and resentment will eventually lead you to…DIVORCE.

Stop the vicious cycle NOW before it becomes too late. I’ll show you how.

Want to know what a fulfilled couple REALLY looks like? You don’t need to settle. You don’t need Mr. Right.

You just need a plan.

Stuck in a loveless marriage, wondering if this is as good as it gets? Before you try marriage counseling, consider a positive alternative to marriage counseling where you can save your marriage from the privacy of your own home. Visit http://www.fulfilledcouple.com today.

Hotdog costumes are great if you have a dachshund. What list would be complete without this obvious suggestion? Foam can be used for the bun and a stripe of either ketchup or mustard (or both) can be created with fleece and attached to a vest. This vest will hold on the bun.

Bunny rabbit costumes are cute for little dogs. They can wear a head band with bunny ears and a big fuzzy tail to complete this look. Dressing up dogs as other animals is fun and always gets a good reaction from spectators.

Black cat costumes for your dog are cute, especially if you are dressing up as a witch. A hat with cat ears can make your dog into a cat for Halloween.

Super hero dogs work well. The outfit is put on the front legs and around the neck of the dog and a cape goes across the dogs back. This look will be sure to be a hit at your Halloween party.

Yoda dog costumes are good for Star Wars fans. The way your dog walks with a Yoda costume on his front legs and neck adds to the charm of this costume.

Clown costumes are great on dogs. The eagerness to please makes your dog a perfect candidate for a clown costume in the first place. Putting your dog in a big collar, maybe even bottomless shoes so your doggy will look like he is wearing big clown feet but he can still walk and perhaps a pair of pants will be a great way to start this look off. Adding a bouquet of balloons to his collar will add to the look.

The costume ideas for pets are just about as limitless as human costume ideas. If you want to pull your dog into the fun you might as well dress him up and have him go to the party with the kids.

Looking for unique pet Halloween costume ideas? Visit http://www.thegrimcreeper.com to find more unique ideas to dress your dog up for Halloween this year with almost 50 dog Halloween costumes to choose from!

Why is it that men don’t change after marriage, but women do? In the process of answering this question we will draw one conclusion that will be the elephant in the room” The power of a woman to create the man of her dreams is indisputable.

To answer this profound question, let’s look at the “inner workings” of a woman…

When women are single and searching for a man, this mystery man is often referred to as Mr. right. You could even say that the foremost question on a single woman’s mind (when she’s looking for a man) is “When is Mr. Right going to come along?”

Women enter relationships with an idealistic vision of what her soul mate will look, act and treat her like. And why shouldn’t she? From an early age, as a little girl, she reads story tales about a Night in Shining Armor rescuing the princess from an Evil villain. Little girls adore the idea of being a princess and even at a young age, many even fantasize about their wedding day!

When women are dating, they use all of their assets to attract a man. They put careful detail into wearing the right sexy outfit, the right perfume, and try their best to keep the atmosphere light, fun and full of excitement. Women do all of this because their plan – their mission, is to find the man who will give them emotional and financial security. (This is a deep-seeded need of all women, not necessarily something they consciously think about.)

During the dating stage of a relationship however, these two needs are secondary.

A woman’s public goal during her dating life is to find a guy who is nice and fun. That’s her public goal. It’s what she says SAYS wants, but that’s not close to her true mission. A smart woman brings excitement into the relationship when dating because she knows that’s what will maintain the chemistry between them.

Then the day comes when the wedding photos arrive and life begins. Life becomes overwhelming. All the fun and excitement in the pre-marriage relationship has now come to a slow, and grinding stop.

With all the chemistry slowly seeping out of the relationship, a woman’s goal is now to develop her man into someone who will give her emotional and financial security. It’s her unspoken expectation. (That even women don’t realize they want.)

In married life, every effort her husband makes dismally fails to meet this expectation and instead creates frustration, resentment and mixed feelings. All she ever wanted, she reasons, is for her husband to make her feel safe so she can build her ideal life and family.

But to her surprise, the man she marries STILL craves the fun and excitement from back when they were dating. Unfortunately for both of them, his inability to explain this need and her inability to remember what she used to do during the dating days, combines to create a new tension in the relationship that did not exist before.

In a man’s mind, he fears that if he speaks up and tells his wife that he misses the fun-filled exciting woman she used to be, she’ll become offended and “chew his head off”. After all, she’s exhausted after she fulfills her long list of daily tasks, let alone cater to her husband’s every need.

Her husband now feels like he’s still on her priority list, but somewhere way down towards the bottom. This feeling, this belief, does BAD THINGS for a man’s confidence.

Women who know how to maintain the excitement in their marriage are few and far between….especially after being married for 5+ years. This is obviously not about “giving your husband sex”. Sex is not what he actually wants (whether he knows it or not). What every (or the great majority of men) want is for his beautiful woman to thrill him with the idea that he excites her.

A woman’s power to communicate “you excite me” is all a man needs to become totally dedicated to his woman.

Any woman who dresses and acts in a way that lets her man know he could excite her sexually, touches a man in a place where he believes he can conquer the world for her. Any wish, need or slight desire she might express, will send him on a mission to fulfill her greatest wishes.

But in order to do this, you must put all the resentment aside if you want your husband to be 100% devoted to you. If you’re willing to take this first step, you’ll find these kind of results becoming reality…

…You want your husband to stop talking or looking at the woman who lives next door? Done!

…You want him to go to his boss and get a raise? Not a problem!

…You want more time to yourself away from the house and other responsibilities? You’ve got it!

If you are a woman reading this right now, you might wonder HOW you can discover your husband’s deepest desires.

Learn how by reading the conclusion of this article at Larry Bilotta’s Blog Save Your Marriage Today

AN IMPORTANT NOTE FROM THE AUTHOR: If you’re reading this thinking to yourself, “Larry has no idea what he’s talking about…a woman should not have to do anything to earn her husband’s devotion” or “Easier said than done Larry, my wife is going to have to do more than this to earn MY devotion…” then you NEED to read the conclusion to this article on my blog. I have already been met with resistance to this idea and I’ve addressed it at the bottom of my blog entry above.

Get hope for your sexless marriage with or without your spouse’s participation through Larry Bilotta’s Stop Your Divorce website. If you’re in desperate need of help, get your FREE, 30 minute consultation with Larry through his Second Chance program.

A little bit of organization will go a long way towards plenty of games to keep the ghouls and zombies at bay long enough to bring out some smiles and avoid any uncomfortably quiet moments as adults scramble to find something else to entertain the kids. If you have a few backups in mind this can go a long way towards the oh so important skill of buying a little more time. Also be sure to provide prizes for your games. Even boring games will keep a child’s attention a little longer if there is the hope of a prize when all is said and done. It is also vitally important that you choose games that are age appropriate for your party guests.

Older children might enjoy games such as ghoul and fright or other scarier Halloween themed games while younger kids might find them too frightening or complicated to consider. Toddlers tend to really love pumpkins so any game with a pumpkin as a theme will generally retain a toddler’s rapt attention. Toddlers also tend to prefer short games with few rules. You can even use the same game with different themes and toddlers will tend to remain well entertained. Marshmallow bobbing, scavenger hunts and the Monster freeze dance are also great fun for your smaller partygoers.

Other great Halloween gaming ideas include games that encourage the use of imagination and creativity. Craft projects are generally a hit, as children love bringing something home with them, especially if it’s something they made with their own hands. Be creative with your crafting projects and offer several to choose from. Some kids may choose to try them all!

Older kids often like the ooey gooey gross-out types of games. Be as creative as you can be with the contents of your pantry. Can you make intestines or cauliflower brains? Be creative and see what great things you can come up with. Also, if you have children of your own, let them help in the planning process, it will make them feel valued and special. You’ll find your children to be a great asset to you since all children have really great imaginations! You might be surprised what their demented little minds can come up with. I know my kids constantly surprise me.

Whatever games you choose for your Halloween fun remember the goal is fun and you really need to be flexible or no one will be having much fun. Halloween only happens once a year so make this party one that will create happy memories for a lifetime!

Looking for more fun Halloween games for kids? Discover more Halloween party ideas and find unique childrens halloween costumes at TheGrimCreeper.com

Then there are those spouses who are not daring enough to go the route of divorce, but instead find solace and comfort in the arms of another man or woman. These affairs often carry on as secret lives hidden behind the masquerade of a happy family to outsiders.

I often refer to these couples as Wake Me When It’s Over spouses because those involved in affairs find it far too painful to think of all the what ifs involved in this complicated situation.

Finally, the last group of spouses are those who argue, then make up, argue, then make up again until they’re both worn down to the point of apathy.

Marriage troubles can be predicted when you understand the shocking formula that can forecast your divorce, even a year in advance, regardless of which of the three phases you might fall into.

The ability to do this requires that you have my free HOT and NOT marriage drawings which you can download at my Stop your divorce website: http://www.youcansavethismarriage.com/hotnot.pdf

Just because they are drawings, does not mean they should be taken lightly. They allow you to take a measurable look at your marriage and predict a divorce in advance.

Since this is a 50% divorce rate culture, you can use this prediction tool to serve as a wake up call so you can avoid becoming just another statistic. The first phase couples experience is the romance stage of the relationship. If you’ve downloaded the drawing, you’ll see that I’m referring to the HOT drawing.

In these four levels, you can see exactly what draws a man to a woman and how much work, time and effort she puts into attracting her target man. Not to be outdone, you’ll see that the man in question is also putting 100% of his effort into attracting the woman.

As you look at these two scenarios setting the stage to become serious, you’ll likely get a warm feeling inside. It’s a kind of happily ever after thing. All of us want to see people find love and happiness just like in the movies. We all want it for ourselves as well.

But this drawing is meant for more than giving us blissful feelings. What it contains is actually the formula to become happy and fulfilled for a lifetime in marriage.

On the left side of the picture is what a man needs to know in order to ensure that the woman he marries continues to love him. On the right side of this image is what a woman needs to do in order to keep her man loyal and faithful.

You’ll see that women want their men to be a responsible wage earner, maintain a presentable appearance, protect her from hostile threats in any form and continue to sacrifice his time, energy and money on her behalf. You would think this would be a snap since he did this at the very beginning of the relationship, but over time couples end the courtship and fall back into their old behaviors to the point where they resent each other which eventually leads to a sexless marriage.

Now men on the other hand want their women to maintain their appearance as well. A man wants his wife to make him feel important no matter what he does or doesn’t do. He wants his wife to tell him about all the things he does well and accept him as he is – quirks and all.

So there you have it. Want a great marriage and a great life?

Follow this plan and don’t deviate from it. This is what makes men and women Hot for each other.

It’s so simple, yet so commonly overlooked by couples. But most couples don’t stay Hot for each other long. Instead what they do is go the easy route (though it is not easy at all!) and do what one-million, five hundred thousand couples do every year get a divorce.

This brings us to the second drawing in the illustration which shows the destructive ways that couples tear their marriage apartwithout even knowing it!

So what are they doing so wrong?

Simple. They just do the OPPOSITE of what they did to create it. In the drawing, pictures 1, 2, 3, and 4 of second drawing is what predicts a divorce.

Now the question is; how can you predict when divorce will happen in your marriage? A sexless marriage is a pretty good indicator of some serious problems in your marriage, but there’s another easy answer.

Take these pictures to the person you married and ask them to put a score of 10 down to 1 on the pictures. If you’re a man, take both pictures to your wife and say Honey, I need you to give me a score based on these pictures with 10 being, This is exactly what’s happening and 1 being This is not happening at all.

If you’re well on your way to a divorce, you might find that when you give her the HOT page, she rates you with 2’s and 3’s. If this is the case, you’ll most likely find that on the NOT page, she rates you with 9’s and 10’s. If this is the case, consider this a wake up call that you need to do something RIGHT NOW about your sexless marriage before it’s too late.

If your wife did in fact give you these scores, you could safely predict that a divorce is in your future as close to a month or as far as even 12 months away if you do absolutely nothing different from what you’re doing now.

What I just laid out for men in the scoring process, applies equally for women as well. If you take these drawings to your husband and find high scores on the Not page and low scores on the Hot page, you know you’re in trouble.

Does this really work?

The reason this works so well is because these simple pictures eliminate any need to talk about your problems, the history, what went wrong and who did what to whom. Putting all that aside, simply ask your spouse for scores.

And when you do, be sure NOT to sit in the same room and wait. Let them do it privately. For most couples, this little scoring exercise comes as a real rude awakening.

It forces you to stop living with the wool pulled over your eyes and starts communication between the two of you. Without communication, the two of you go on as normal and over time you begin to just feel indifferent about each other and your marriage.

Now here are some quick tips to help you with this exercise

Tip #1: If you have received low scores, don’t react in a negative way. Make sure you act like a student who has been given low grades halfway through the semester. Now is the time to meet with your teacher and find out how to correct the problem.

Tip #2: With this good student analogy in mind, it is your job to find out how to turn around a potentially bad semester, by asking your spouse specific questionsstarting with the HOT picture.

Here’s an example of a specific question you could ask your spouse. Honey, tell me how I showed you I was a responsible wage earner and good with money when we were first dating.

Another example. Honey, how do you think I took care of my appearance when we were dating and you were so interested in me? And, Honey, how well did I make you feel that I would protect you and stand up for you to make you feel safe when we were dating? If you want help with the last question, Honey, in what ways did I sacrifice my time, energy and money for you when we were dating?

Tip #3: The answers you get will give you an idea of what you did well at one time. With this positive illustration still ringing in your ears, ask about the NOT picture, but this time, don’t ask specific questions about those negative behaviors. Instead, ask about how you can do specific things to get back to the HOT picture.

Here’s another tip: Dwelling on problems will only create more problems in your marriage. This is one of the reasons why marriage counseling has such dismal success rates – they focus on the problems.

Instead, focus on the way you were. The more you talk about those HOT pictures, the more fulfilling your marriage will become.

Tip #4: Each of you should take your turn at this exercise. If your sexless marriage is on the verge of divorce and the NOT picture is an exact depiction of your marriage, consider having a neutral person take the two of you through this exercise.

Tip #5: Once you’ve got your HOT scores and the solutions, or answers from your spouse on how to get back to that positive point in your marriage, plan a date and do something as close to what you used to do when you were truly happy with each other.

If you want to go the extra mile, buy the book 10 Great Dates on Amazon.com. Each date teaches you something about how rekindle the romance in your marriage. The book gets into lots of helpful specifics that will teach you far more than you presently know about how to be married. Do this right and and you’ll soon be looking back at your sexless marriage as a thing of the past as your resentment towards each other is replaced with those “warm and fuzzy feelings” back from when you were dating.

Larry Bilotta transformed his own marriage after 27 painful years and fell in love with his wife. Watch the videos at Larry’s Stop Your Divorce website to discover how he saved his marriage and how you can transform your sexless marriage into the marriage you’ve always hoped for. Don’t let the damaging effects of divorce happen to your children.

A happy, healthy marriage requires that time is spent WITH each other, ON each other and FOR each other. Unfortunately, most couples forget this and focus on other things they consider (at the time) to be a priority.

So just what are some of the demands are married couples faced with?

Planning and attending the children’s events

Fussing over wedding, shower, christening, birthday and anniversary gifts for loved ones

Taking care of pets and day-to-day household chores

Maintaining the home and vehicles

Attending and preparing for church related events and gatherings

Spending time with extended family and friends

Add to this the fact that some couples are faced with serious road blocks that put a great deal of pressure on their marriage such as:

Dealing with a serious illness in the family

Elderly parent moving into the house

An affair

A serious accident

Financial struggles such as bankruptcy or maxed out credit cards

Loss of a child or loved one

And the list goes on

In order to put each spouse’s time into perspective, let’s take a look at what they do during a typical 168 hour week:

Activity Time Spent Time remaining in the week

Sleep: 8 hrs/day | 56 hrs/week – *112 hr remaining

Job/Travel: 9 hrs/day | 45 hrs/week – *67 hrs remaining

Eating & Prep: 2 hrs/day | 14 hrs/week – *53 hr remaining

Kids issues & events: 3 hrs/day | 21 hrs/week – *32 hr remaining

Household maintenance: 1 hrs/day | 7 hrs/week – *25 hr remaining

Phone conversations: 1.5 hrs/day | 10.5 hrs/week – *14.5 hr remaining

Friends/Social life: 1.5 hrs/day | 10.5 hrs/ week – *4 hr remaining

And where do those last 4 hours go?

According to the A.C. Nielsen Co., the average American watches more than four hours of TV each day (28 hours per week / two months of non-stop TV-watching per year). Let’s not focus on the idea that in a 65-year lifetime, a person will have spent nine years in front of a TV!

But let’s not assume that you are the average TV watcher. In fact, if you’re reading this article, you’re probably not watching anywhere NEAR that much TV. Instead, ask yourself: Do you have enough time for a good marriage?

To answer this question, we’ll need to discover what a good marriage REALLY is, and then we’ll discover the actual amount of time a good marriage requires in terms of hours per week. I have worked for many years now teaching married couples what they WISH they had learned BEFORE they got married.

I can explain what a good marriage is based on what men and women need to be happy in marriage. In fact, I’ll get right down to it. A man needs sexual intimacy and respect.

A woman needs financial security and emotional security.

Period.

When I work with couples, I give them these definitions and then ask them to give me a percentage on how much they are getting these needs on a 100% to 0% scale.

Over the years, I have found that in all good marriages, they each give me a rating between the 80% to 100% range. This means that a husband’s wife builds him up, overlooks his faults, looks for what’s good about him and takes a genuinewell, let me not waste words.

I’ll explain it concisely by showing you what a Real Wife and a Real Husband does to create a happy marriage using my Real Husband and Real Wife definitions which you can download here: http://www.stopyourdivorcein4weeks.com/real.pdf

In a perfect world, men and women would have these two signs posted their bathroom so they could read it on a consistent basis while they prepare for their busy day. I guarantee that any couple who even comes close to these definitions would tell you they are generally very happy in their marriage.

So how much TIME does it take to create this ideal marriage? After dealing with all the day-to-day life issues listed on the time chart you saw earlier, the remaining hours left for your marriage could EASILY be spent on watching TV.

TV is easy. It requires no thinking, no physical activity, no interaction with other people and no sacrifice on your part. You just sit down and let the cares of the day slowly drift away while you consume yourself with your favorite TV show.

The Neilson study about time use dramatizes the fact that Television is the #1 form of entertainment in the Nation. Nothing else even comes close in terms of time commitment. Americans in general are looking for the easy life that Television delivers.

It’s a fact that no relationship is as intense, demanding or as fulfilling as a marriage can be. It is the toughest, yet the most rewarding relationship you can have with another person. So WHY then do we choose to make EVERYTHING ELSE our top priority while we leave only 4 measly hours a week devote to our marriage?

Now think about this because I guarantee you haven’t before. Does anyone actually care about the health of YOUR relationship, your connection with each other and your marriage? In this society, marriage is the goose that lays the golden eggs and my point is no one really cares about the goose.

Let me prove my point that your marriage is the goose and everyone wants your golden eggs. Your children don’t care about your marriage ..until mom and dad are in big trouble and can’t stop fighting. Both sets of your parents don’t care about YOUR marriage.

In reality they care about their own son or daughter in the marriage, not the marriage itself. Your extended family members don’t care about YOUR marriage but they do care that you bring a gift for nephews, nieces and come to the partybut they have nothing to say about your marriage.

Friends don’t care about YOUR marriage.They are polite to you as a couple, but really care about you as individualsthe person they knew BEFORE the wedding.

Your kid’s school won’t care about your marriage. They just need to know which one of you is going to volunteer for the fund drive or show up for parent teacher night.

It’s rare for churches – synagogues to care for your marriage. For most, it’s just not on their radar. They have no preventative maintenance program for married couples to keep them from falling into disrepair.

When it comes to assets, the goose of your marriage has got the goods. Marriage makes the two of you more stable and financially successful because of your union. Together you produce the golden eggs that build a strong Nation. Marriage has been ignored in this country thought it is the most VALUABLE and BENEFICIAL of all relationships.

No one has suggested “National Marriage Day” to bring to light the fact that marriages must be cared for and nurtured. We must protect the goose that lays the golden eggs. Instead what we have is a goose killing society because they don’t understand marriage.

When a marriage falls apart, friends, relatives, coworkers, schools, and even religious organization don’t know what to tell you. They don’t know what to do because very few people understand what it takes to create a successful marriage and even FEWER people know why marriages fall apart.

With this background in mind, it’s easy to see how the two of you will be influenced to put your priorities where everyone says your priorities should beON THEM! This is the reason your time, (one of the goose’s major assets) is freely given away to everyone else and only 4 hours a week is left for the male and female halves of the goose, to take care of itself.

If no one cares about the health of your marriage and the two of you don’t care either, then where does that leave your family? Who will care enough to keep your marriage together if the two of you don’t even know how? Who in this society will strengthen your marriage if not the two of you?

The answer is NO ONEbecause no one cares about the goose. And this brings me to my conclusion that Only a HEALTHY Goose Can Lay Golden Eggs

Hopefully you can now see that your marriage is the goose that lays the golden eggs. Together, you create secure and successful children that will shape our future and the future of our Grandchildren.

Together, you pay the taxes that run our cities, the mortgages that build new homes and create the wealth of society. It is as husband and wife that the two of you contribute to a strong society. Together, your savings and investments make this a stronger Nationas a union, the two of you lay the golden eggs that contribute to our great Nationand the prosperity of every human being on the planet for that matter.

So how do you take care of the goose, how to you keep your marriage strong? You must talk to each other to strengthen the goose. Talkas in CONVERSATION, not just in passing. Talking, sharing ideas and listening to each other takes time and 4 hours a week is the absolute MINIMUM amount of time that you should spend doing this activity.

Talk openly and be sure not to criticize each other while you are talking. This will add depth to your relationship and keep your marriage strong. Probably the most well worn piece of marriage advice is to plan a date night on a regular basis.

You plan that date and suddenly the world of demanders comes and tries to steal even that little time from the goose. Don’t let it happen. Take a closer look at all the time restraints on your marriage that you would normally use to serve the needs of others and remember that Only a Healthy Goose Lays Golden Eggs, and improving your marriage takes time. It will not happen overnight.

You need to be in a good state of mind when the two of you face the unexpected and uninvited troubles of life that might take the form of bankruptcy, a sick child, or various kinds of addictions that could affect either of you.

If collectively, you are not a healthy goose, those troubles can rip the goose apart and one-million five hundred thousand divorces a year prove it. In times of trouble, you must talk to each other MORE, not less. To talk, you need to feel safe with each other. To feel safe, both of you need to really listen to each other without judgment.

If you have to vent your troubles and worries, take turns, then put it all behind you. IT ALL TAKES TIME. Give your marriage the time and the world will continue to thank you for your golden eggs.

Wondering if there’s still hope for your marriage? Discover how to save your marriage. Get FREE tips and advice to help you get your marriage back on track the RIGHT WAY at Larry Bilotta’s Marriage Saving web site http://www.marriage-success-secrets.com

Today I’m going to teach you how to “translate” your spouse’s “Love Language”. I will also be discussing the OPPOSITE of the 5 Love Languages.

(Sometimes it’s just easier to identify with the negatives, than it is the positive.)

For instance, if your spouse wants “acts of service”, but all you’re doing to show you care is giving your spouse “words of affirmation” like “I love you”, you are NOT making the situation any better.

If anything, you’re making it even WORSE.

In your spouse’s mind they’re thinking, “Yeah, if you loved me, you would pick up around the house for once, instead of making me do it all the time!”.

So keep reading and try to fulfill just ONE of your spouse’s Love Languages.

When your marriage has reached it’s lowest point, sometimes little things can make a BIG difference.

The term “Love Language” was actually coined by Gary Chapman who wrote the book, “The Five Love Languages: How to Express Heartfelt Commitment to Your Mate”.

Understanding your spouse’s love language can help you understand exactly what you must to do to meet your spouse’s needs. The goal of this article is to make you aware of things you are doing in your marriage that might be pushing your spouse further and further away from you.

A common mistake couples make is treating their spouse the way that THEY want to be treated!

Understanding the 5 Love Languages can help you avoid making this mistake!

Gary Chapman gives you practical advice on marriage by making it easy for you to communicate what you need from your spouse to feel lovedand what they need from you!

When I first read this book, I applied what I learned to my marriage. When I discovered what made my wife feel lovedI was SHOCKED!

She wanted acts of service of all things! I thought that since I liked words of affirmationthat she would too! I hated doing acts of service (a.k.a. chores around the house, gardening and repairs) and that’s exactly why I wasn’t meeting her needs!

I didn’t realize what I was doing wrong until learned about the 5 Love Languages.

But let me back up for a second….

Let me first define the 5 love languages for you:

1. Acts of service:

To fulfill this love language, you would do “services” for your spouse such as vacuuming, dusting, or shoveling snow. But you must do these acts with a positive attitude to make them count.

2. Words of affirmation:

If words of affirmation is your spouse’s love language, then saying nice things to your spouse would fulfill this need. For example, you could say something simple like “you look nice today” or “dinner tasted great tonight”. (But keep in mind, it must be sincere and meaningful.)

3. Quality time

This is one love language that can be EASILY neglected. With our busy lives, we sometimes get so caught up with the kids, jobs or other activities that we don’t spend enough quality time with our spouse. If you’re not sure what quality time means to your spouse, then ask. For some it may be sitting together watching movies, for others this may require eliminating outside distractions like TV’s or other media.

4. Gifts

If your spouse chooses gifts as one of their top love languages, but you’re struggling financially, don’t worry. These gifts don’t need to be extravagant….or even cost money for that matter. For many people that require gifts, something simple like a fresh bouquet of wild flowers from outside or a home-made card would fulfill this need. The real meaning behind gifts is not materialistic in nature at all. Simply the fact that you’re thinking about your spouse is what makes them feel wanted and fulfilled.

5. Physical Touch:

If you came from a home where your parents were not very affectionate with each other, physical touch can easily become an issue in your marriage. Things like holding hands, small pecks on the cheek or a back rub would meet this need for your spouse.

Now that you know what the 5 love languages are, you may not even need to ask your spouse which ones are most important to him or her.

If you look closely at the biggest issues in your marriage right now, it will probably become obvious to you which issues are in fact causing problems between you.

Let’s See What it would look like if you were NOT fulfilling any of the 5 Love Languages…

Not Fulfilling Acts of service: Lazy, or too busy to help out with chores around the house or with the kids.

Not Fulfilling Words of affirmation: Complaining/nagging – not approving of your spouse’s actions.

Not Fulfilling Quality time: Busy all the time- putting other obligations ahead of your spouse.

Not Fulfilling Gifts: Never thinking about your spouse when you’re away – never doing thoughtful things for your spouse.

Not Fulfilling Physical Touch: Cold and distant, not affectionate at all.

Now maybe you think it’s too late to repair your marriage, or to start fulfilling your spouse’s needs..

Perhaps your spouse has already filed for divorce…or moved out of your home. If this is the case, all hope may not be lost.

Do any of these “opposite love languages” sound familiar? If they do, look above to their counterpart to start meeting that language.

Or you can get a copy of Gary’s book for yourself here: http://www.stopyourdivorcein4weeks.com/gary.html to get the whole story.

Now maybe you think it’s too late to repair your marriage, or to start fulfilling your spouse’s needs. Perhaps your spouse has already filed for divorce…or moved out of your home.

If this is the case, all hope may not be lost. I offer a free, 30 minute consultation through my Second Chance program to help you find out if there’s still hope for your marriage.

Larry Bilotta offers a FREE, 30 minute consultation to help you find out if there’s still hope for your marriage. Whether your biggest struggle is infidelity or a sexless marriage, get free, one-on-one support here: Save your marriage today.

Many couples considering divorce refuse to believe that divorce can have a negative effect on their children. But many studies have been conducted that prove otherwise.

A long term study released in 2002 by the Institute for American Values found that unhappily married adults who divorced were no more likely to report emotional or psychological improvements than those who stayed married.

According to this study, divorce does in fact NOT improve your emotional health. I think it would be safe to assume that this is due to the stress and financial burden divorce inflicts upon couples.

Here’s another fact you might not know…

The Institute for American Values study found that almost eight out of 10 couples who avoided divorce were happily married five years later. Surprising, isn’t it?

Here’s another fact…

Half of all American children will witness the breakup of a parent’s marriage. Of these, close to half will also see the breakup of a parent’s second marriage. (Furstenberg, Peterson, Nord, and Zill, Life Course)

Many couples divorce, and then remarry without knowing the true cause of their marriage problems in the first marriage. This is why the second marriage divorce rate is even higher than that of the first marriage!

Here’s are some statistics specifically about the effects of divorce on children…

- Studies in the early 1980’s showed that children in repeat divorces earned lower grades and their peers rated them as less pleasant to be around. (Andrew J. Cherlin, Marriage, Divorce, Remarriage Harvard University Press 1981)

- Forty percent of children growing up in America today are being raised without their fathers. (Wade, Horn and Busy, Fathers, Marriage and Welfare Reform Hudson Institute Executive Briefing, 1997)

- Teenagers in single-parent families and in blended families are three times more likely to need psychological help within a given year. (Peter Hill Recent Advances in Selected Aspects of Adolescent Development Journal of Child Psychology and Psychiatry 1993)

- Compared to children from homes disrupted by death, children from divorced homes have more psychological problems. (Robert E. Emery, Marriage, Divorce and Children’s Adjustment Sage Publications, 1988)

That statistic is truly amazing, isn’t it? But let me continue on…here are are some more shocking statistics on the effect of divorce on children…

- Children living with both biological parents are 20 to 35 percent more physically healthy than children from broken homes. (Dawson, Family Structure and Children’s Health and Well-being Journal of Marriage and the Family)

- Most victims of child molestation come from single-parent households or are the children of drug ring members. (Los Angles Times 16 September 1985 The Garbage Generation)

- A Child in a female-headed home is 10 times more likely to be beaten or murdered. (The Legal Beagle, July 1984, from The Garbage Generation)

- The study of children six years after a parental marriage breakup revealed that even after all that time, these children tended to be lonely, unhappy, anxious and insecure”. (Wallerstein The Long-Term Effects of Divorce on Children Journal of the American Academy of Child and Adolescent Psychiatry 1991)

- Children of divorce are four times more likely to report problems with peers and friends than children whose parents have kept their marriages intact. (Tysse, Burnett, Moral Dilemmas of Early Adolescents of Divorced and Intact Families. Journal of Early Adolescence 1993)

- Children of divorce, particularly boys, tend to be more aggressive toward others than those children whose parents did not divorce. (Emery, Marriage, Divorce and Children’s Adjustment, 1988)

- Children of divorce are at a greater risk to experience injury, asthma, headaches and speech defects than children whose parents have remained married. (Dawson, Family Structure and Children’s Health and Well Being National Health Interview Survey on Child Health, Journal of Marriage and the Family)

- People who come from broken homes are almost twice as likely to attempt suicide than those who do not come from broken homes. (Velez-Cohen, Suicidal Behavior and Ideation in a Community Sample of Children Journal of the American Academy of Child and Adolescent Psychiatry 1988)

- Children of divorced parents are roughly two times more likely to drop out of high school than their peers who benefit from living with parents who did not divorce. (McLanahan, Sandefur, Growing Up With a Single Parent: What Hurts, What Helps Harvard University Press 1994)

- Seventy percent of long-term prison inmates grew up in broken homes. (Horn, Bush, Fathers, Marriage and Welfare Reform)

- Following divorce, children are fifty percent more likely to develop health problems than two parent families. (Angel, Worobey, Single Motherhood and Children’s Health)

- Of all children born to married parents this year, fifty percent will experience the divorce of their parents before they reach their 18th birthday. (Fagan, Fitzgerald, Rector, The Effects of Divorce On America)

I hope these statistics may eventually cause you (or your spouse) to seriously consider all the consequences of divorce before you make that final decision.

Based on these statistics, it becomes obvious that children need stable, loving homes with both mom and dad. There is, of course an exception to every rule, and in this case it is households where abuse is taking place. Children should under no circumstances remain in an abusive atmosphere that is unsafe for them.

But if there is no abuse taking place in your marriage and the two of you have simply “grown apart”,or fell out of love, I urge you to seek out help for your marriage before you give up completely. For your children’s sake, even if you’re feeling hopeless right now, get help for your marriage today.

With an 88% success rate, Larry Bilotta’s Marriage Lifeline Program, gives you hope for your marriage – even if you’re the only one who wants to Save the marriage. For FREE, straightforward, no-nonsense advice you can use to save your marriage, with or WITHOUT your spouse’s participation visit Larry’s web site: Stop Your Divorce.