It’s a difficult assignment for me because the psychologist who helps others with relationships tainted by any of a myriad of issues, including addiction, codependency and dealing with adult children and parents who abuse alcohol, has himself fallen into many of the same traps.

It seems that objectively goes out the window when it’s your own son or daughter. Dealing with a son’s drug and alcohol abuse has been the most difficult and divisive challenge my wife and I have had to face in our decades together.

He was charming, generous and creative. But like all addicts, he lied easily and took advantage of other people’s generosity. This led to conflicts between my wife and me, especially in those extended periods when he had returned home to live with us.

My wife and I each got professional help, and over time we mended the rift. Our son went into various treatment programs. However, after the years of substance abuse and general neglect, he became disabled through failing health and died at age 40.

This multi-decade experience taught us things we may have already known intellectually, but had never really understood. Here are a few of them.

The hardest lesson of all was accepting the reality of his addiction with all it entails and the reality of his probable early demise. As parents we fought hard to deny this, but we could not change the reality.

We had to learn to refrain from rescuing him. Each rescue let him off the hook for taking responsibility. When we stopped rescuing him, he became more responsible.

We withdrew direct financial support: no more enabling him with money handouts, no matter how small. However, he was always well fed when he visited and we always took food with us when we visited him.

We stopped letting him stay with us other than for a weekend visit. We stopped enabling him in avoiding responsibility for his life.

We had always listened to him talk about his struggles, but we had to learn to accept our own feelings of helplessness. This was very difficult for two people who seem to be hardwired to jump in and fix things. We attempted to restrict our advice to those times he asked for it.

As we got the lessons and our son came to understand the new reality, our relationships with him became more love-based again. Communication opened up. We had a beautiful mutually-supportive relationship with our son, especially during his last year. It meant a lot to us. It meant a lot to him.

Had we continued to deny reality, to rescue and to enable, we might never have made peace. His early death would have been even more tragic.

Having to deal with adult addicted children is something I could never wish on any parent, but sadly, it is a reality in many parents’ lives.

Her approach was not typical. To her credit, she chose to look after herself, rather than adjusting her behavior to keep the marriage in balance.

Generally, if one party to the marriage changes, the other adjusts to keep things in balance. If either of them refuses to adjust, the other one may readjust to regain balance. When both refuse to adjust, typically they eventually end the marriage, but they may just lead separate lives within the marriage framework.

Far more frequently as one partner to a marriage increasingly abuses alcohol, the other adjusts to keep the marriage in balance. And that is what happens to a couple when one becomes addicted to alcohol and the other becomes codependent.

I’ll use the example of the alcoholic male and codependent female. It could be the other way around of course. They both drank when they married, but when they started to have children she curtailed her drinking to just the occasional drink. Their children are now in their teens.

He gradually increased the frequency and amount of his alcohol consumption. Now he is never without a drink in his hand when he is at home after work, and he often gets drunk on weekends. He denies vehemently that he has a problem, arguing that he is functioning, that is, he works and continues to be their primary breadwinner. He insists that the few health problems he has have nothing to do with his drinking.

How does this play out?

• He gets grumpy when he drinks; she is extra careful of what she says when he’s drinking.
• He criticizes her for just about everything; she apologizes to keep the peace.
• He demands secrecy about what goes on at home; both she and the kids never tell their friends about his drinking. The kids never have friends over.
• Increasingly he demands exclusive attention from her; her friends have drifted away and her outside interests have dwindled to almost nothing.
• To his credit, he will not drink and drive; she takes full responsibility for errands, taking the kids to their events and picking them up.
• He often feels sick (hangover); she calls his employer to say he is too ill to work today.
• He denies he is an alcoholic; she denies her sense of hopelessness.
• He is addicted to alcohol; she is addicted to the care of an alcoholic.
• He sees himself as a victim of life; she sees herself as a victim of his alcoholism.

If either the alcohol abuser or the codependent is you, nothing will change because your marriage is well-balanced. Nothing will change, that is, unless one of you chooses to step out of your addiction and create a life for yourself…and then does it.

You may ask, “What will happen to my marriage?” In my case, when I overcame my alcohol addiction, my wife left me. There are no guarantees. But if you want a life, you’ll have to rock the boat. It starts with you.

The Good

A cool drink is so refreshing and mellowing on a hot day! It melts away the busyness of the day. It’s a great relaxant after a stressful day at work. It’s the universal social lubricant when people get together for fun or celebration.

It also helps you postpone having to face present realities like an unhappy marriage, a dead-end job or feelings of guilt about something you’ve done…or not done. Alcohol can help you keep past traumas in the background, rather than in-your-face.

In general, alcohol helps to reduce fear, the universal emotion underlying all other negative emotions.

Stats Canada estimated that drinking was responsible for saving over 2500 lives in 2006.

The Bad

Drinking alcohol is an isolating activity. When drinking, talking increases and listening decreases. Genuine communication and intimacy all but disappear. As time passes your drinking reduces your emotional connections to your spouse and family. Family needs are neglected.

Alcohol can kill you in 60 different ways. With ongoing overuse of alcohol, there is increased risk of deteriorating health and death. My daughter enjoyed her alcohol. She worked and she stayed married, but she died suddenly at 51 when her liver and other organs shut down.

Alcohol impairment begins with the first sip, and the first casualty is usually your judgment. You rapidly become less able to judge your level of impairment. This could lead to a decision to get behind the wheel. Sober, you could probably handle a difficult life situation, but impaired, you attempt suicide. Alcohol is involved in a very large proportion of suicides.

Ongoing alcohol abuse, whether via daily drinking or weekend excess, can lead to becoming alcohol dependent, which is, becoming an alcoholic.

Stats Canada estimated that drinking was responsible for over 9000 deaths in 2006.

The Ugly

“But I can’t help it.” “Alcohol runs in my family.” “My wife doesn’t understand me.” “I have a chronic disease called alcoholism.” “My life sucks, so it’s my only pleasure.” “It’s not my fault.” “She made me do it.” “We were just having fun.” “I’m a functioning alcoholic, so there’s no problem.” “I was okay, but the cop was out to get me.” “No one can help me.” “But everybody drinks.” “I work and support us, so my drinking is your problem, not mine.”

The alcoholic, from the high functioning alcoholic professional to the skid row alcoholic, has every excuse in the book for continuing to live as a victim of life, rather than taking charge. The thought of not being a victim is loaded with fear for the alcoholic.

The alcoholic who refuses to give up victimhood is saying in effect, “If I were to stop drinking and really clean up my life, I would have to give up all this ‘poor me’ stuff and take responsibility for my attitudes, feelings, emotions, beliefs and behaviors. I would have to make a lot of choices and changes, and the thought of all that at my age (30? 70?) is terrifying. It’s easier to just stay a victim of life. Where’s the beer?”

I invite you to reflect on the role alcohol plays in your life and your spouse’s life, good, bad or ugly.

The suicide rate always goes up during the holidays, and studies indicate that alcohol is involved in one third of the completed suicides.

Motor vehicle accidents and impaired driving charges increase… The consequences of drinking and driving, however, often go far beyond the fines, the car impounding and the loss of driving privileges. Children, passengers and other motorists are often the ones killed. US statistics indicate that half of all traffic deaths are alcohol related.

When alcohol is used to excess, (causing alcohol abuse) all sorts of unhealthy conditions and behaviors emerge. There are higher rates of mental illness, especially depression. There is increased domestic violence. There are more incidents of stalking behavior. In a survey of 40,000 women in over 20 countries, one in five admitted to becoming romantically involved with a colleague during an office party. One third of these admitted to a brief affair. Do not ignore the fact that if several thousand women admitted to having affairs, there were probably a few men involved too. At what cost to marriages and families?

The fact is that most people do not want to keep on drinking after they have had a couple of drinks. If you are hosting a holiday party, however, do keep an eye on those who continue to drink. They may be among the alcohol-dependent segment of the population, that is, they may be alcoholics. (We politely call them functioning alcoholics if they are still working.) Being able to tolerate large quantities of alcohol, and being unable to stop drinking or to remember events the next day are all signs of alcoholism. Some even appear to take on a different personality when they drink.

Have nonalcoholic beverages readily available for everyone. Serve sweets, because part of the craving for alcohol is the craving for sugar. Sweets can help reduce that craving. Be ready to stop someone who is unsafe to drive home. I know this is hard, but you might be saving someone’s life.

Every year hundreds of children are sexually abused by relatives and friends at holiday house parties. Social class is irrelevant, so hire a babysitter to look after your children, even though you are there.

If you are at someone else’s party, always have an escape route. Prearrange with someone to pick you up if you call. If you are not going to drink yourself, drive your own car rather than accept a ride. If your partner has a tendency to drink too much, have a discussion in advance of the party to plan an intervention and the escape route.

If your teens are going to a party where there will be drinking, ask them about their escape route, should things turn bad. Talk with them about the importance of a designated driver. Remind them to call home for someone to pick them up, no questions asked.

I invite you to reflect on the role alcohol will play in your holiday season. Let’s make Christmas both fun and safe this year.

Happy holidays to all my readers.

Making your penis bigger with your hands

Yes, it is possible to get bigger doing this. Why? Because these penis exercises use very simple science to do it. That is, just like lifting weights, when you stimulate the penis, it becomes bigger and stronger. It truly is this simple. But unlike lifting weights, there is no pain involved. Also, the penis is a not a muscle, but rather tissue and ligament, so when you are happy with your new, bigger penis, you can stop and never lose a single inch of gains.

Penis exercises are done by holding the shaft of the penis with specific grips while applying targeted pressure to the tissues that are most responsible for the size of your manhood. This pressure is painless, but works extremely well. It causes very substantial tissue development in the penis, and this is how you get bigger.

But what ultimately determines how big your penis is are the two chambers that retain blood to make you erect. The size of your erection is limited to the amount of blood these two chambers retain. Developing these chambers with penis exercises will ensure that more blood is able to be held, thus getting you permanently bigger.

Learning how to cope with stress goes hand in hand with giving up smoking. So, the first part of this process is to analyze your life and work out what causes you the most stress. Is it your job? Is it driving? If you smoke more whilst drinking, which is a fact with the overwhelming majority of smokers, why do you do that? Are you stressed out by the social situation you find yourself in whilst you are drinking or socializing?

Once you comprehend what it is ‘that makes you smoke’, you have to learn how to deal with that stress without smoking. Smoking is very likely to mean that you will have serious health problems when you are older, so enquire of yourself, is sacrificing your future health a fair price to pay for what you are currently getting out of life?

If your career is getting you down, why not retrain in night school or by correspondence on the weekends and get the qualifications  to be able to do the career that you would like to do. If the neighbourhood you live in is violent causing you stress, move into a smaller apartment in a better district. If driving in traffic gets you down, strive to join, or set up, a car sharing scheme or go to work by bus.

If your foremost manner of relaxing and socializing is drinking in a bar, you will find it difficult to quit smoking, because smokers smoke a lot more while they are drinking. Consider stopping going to the pub, until you have successfully kicked the habit. 

Once you have wiped out your addiction, you could go back, but it is a well-known phenomenon that smokers do not like to see one of their company giving up. If you stick with them, you will here lots of: ‘Go on, one won’t hurt!’. The fact is that it does.

You might not be much of a sports person, but strive to do something. You will realize just how short of breath you have become and keeping doing that exercise will remind you how much healthier you are getting. It does not have to be strenuous. Try walking, swimming or gardening. Anything that gets clean air into your lungs.

Lastly, take time out to relax. There are numerous ways of doing this. Read a book or and get a hobby. The hobby could be anything from gardening (two birds with one stone) to Yoga to building model airplanes and flying them. In fact, anything that you have always wanted to do, but never had time for before

Owen Jones, the author of this piece, writes on many subjects, but is at present concerned with free smoking patches. If you have an interest in stopping smoking, please visit our website now at Health Risks To Smoking

This might be cold turkey, acupuncture, hypnotherapy, steady reduction or meditation. It is rather senseless to attempt acupuncture if you do not believe in it.

There are two reasons why it is difficult to give up smoking: psychological addiction and physical dependence and you have to fight both of these fronts at the same time if you are to become successful. 

The psychological addiction is frequently related to stress or so many smokers claim whereas the physical addiction may be as trivial as not knowing what to do with your hands.

One of the most natural ways to handle stress is meditation. It necessitates no tablets, no oils, nothing; only a blanket. Meditation can be carried out either in combination with exercise like Yoga or on its own. Meditation is one of the best stress-busters and can actually cure some illnesses through willpower alone according to ancient Indian scripts.

No doctors have ever ridiculed Yoga or meditation like they have acupuncture, aromatherapy and some of the other ‘alternative therapies’. It stands to reason that if meditation can relieve stress and stress is a reason for smoking, that meditation can help you give up smoking too.

In the West, we tend to think of gurus meditating in some contorted posture in the middle of a field, on a beach or on the top of a mountain. Although some people do meditate like this, it is a bit daft of to think that you have to.

Most people in the Developed World and in the East meditate quietly seated on a mat in the house or in the garden.

You will have to purchase a book or training video on yoga, meditation techniques and breathing exercises. Maybe you ought to do some research on Google first to find out whether you are interested in yoga, but you should learn some breathing exercises because they can unwind you in seconds.

Before meditating it is traditional to have a shower and brush your teeth et cetera. Then sit on a blanket in an airy space where you are not likely to get disturbed. Your book will almost certainly tell you to carry out some breathing exercises first. 

The effects of this meditation session ought to last nearly all day, so it is a wise thing to do one in the morning and one in the evening. Thirty minutes a session ought to be enough, but you will probably want to go on for longer. When you are in work, you will be able to ‘top up’ your calmness with a minute of breathing exercises as needed.

Meditation is the cheapest and most healthy method of stopping smoking and you will learn techniques that will help you for the remainder of your life. If you have to use nicotine patches and gum, there is no reason why you ought not to.

Owen Jones, the writer of this piece, writes on many topics, but is at present concerned with quitting smoking statistics. If you have an interest in quitting smoking, please go over to our website now at Health Risks To Smoking

Smoking also has an effect on the brain in that it creates psychological dependency to nicotine. Nicotine addiction is very powerful because it causes the release of opioids which causes a feeling of satisfaction and relaxation. 

However, the chemical receptors that acquire the opioids lose their efficiency by as much as 30% after a while which leads to smokers smoking more and more to achieve the same state of gratification. Addiction is nearby.

Smoking is not healthy for the eyes. The forty odd carcinogenic chemicals in cigarette smoke are not good for eyes, nor is the actual smoke itself as smoking tends to dehydrate the skin and the eyes. Cataracts can be the consequence in some cases.

Smoking affects your sense of smell which numerous individuals confuse with the sense of taste. Therefore, smokers may not smell their food properly but put it down to damaged taste buds. This lost sense of smell usually returns a whileafter giving up smoking.

Smoking has an effect on the thyroid because of the cyanide in the smoke. Smokers are more likely to develop hyperthyroidism which has an effect on all the body’s major organs including the skin because of the hormones that the thyroid produces to regulate them. Smokers are also more prone to get the bulging eyes linked with some thyroid concerns especially Graves’ Disease.

Smoking will cause premature aging particularly of the skin which will lose its suppleness early causing sagging and wrinkling. This is brought about by a restricted blood flow in the  epidermis which involves a restricted flow of oxygen to the upper skin. Collagen and elastin are injured as a result.

It has been said that one cigarette a day kills all the germs in the mouth better than toothpaste, but smokers smoke far more than this and that has a seriously deleterious impact on oral hygiene. 

Tar from smoke is not good for teeth and leaves them yellow and deeply stained. Smokers are fur times more likely to suffer from periodontal disease than non-smokers. 

Smoking will impede the flow of blood to the gums as elsewhere, but the impact here is to cause the gums to recede revealing delicate nerves and bone which will react to hot and cold food and drink. Receding gums also permit germs easier access to your blood and a route into your system. 

Tooth decay happens more rapidly as food and germ go up behind the shrivelled gums. Smokers are six times more likely to develop cancer of the mouth and throat than usual. Smoking causes poor circulation which affects the extremities particularly the feet and calfs.

As the body strives to work harder to deliver an adequate amount of blood to the feet, blood clots and varicose veins may be the result. In extreme cases gangrene may ensue leading to the amputation of toes, feet and even legs.

Owen Jones, the author of this article, writes on many topics, but is at present involved with quitting smoking statistics. If you have an interest in stopping smoking, please go over to our website now at Health Risks To Smoking

However, it should be borne in mind that many doctors do not have faith in this alternative form of medicine stating that it is no more effective than sticking pins in the skin at random.

The fact of the matter is that if acupuncture works for you then there is nothing wrong with it and it is certainly better than smoking. If you have tried a number of times to give up smoking and nicotine patches and gums have not worked for you, then it may be worth attempting acupuncture, which is not necessarily that expensive anyway.

One of the nice facts concerning acupuncture is that no one is allergic to acupuncture so it is perfectly safe if you would like to give it a go. Naturally, you will have to go to a reputable acupuncturist so that you can be sure that the needles have been sterilized.

Protagonists of acupuncture believe that inserting pins or needles into the meridians of the body will have an effect on the emotions, the internal organs and other facets of the body. Therefore, they say, an acupuncturist can change your desire to do something with a few sessions of acupuncture. Smoking or nicotine dependence is one of the addictions that it is said to be able to alleviate.

Acupuncture to cure nicotine addiction is normally carried out on the ear lobes or / and the hands. The insertion of the needles is painless and said to be very soothing. It is also said to alleviate the craving to smoke again and alleviate withdrawal symptoms such as dizziness, ‘hangover’, nervousness, concern, depression and queasiness.

One of the biggest worries is that nicotine activates excitement zones in the brain and as the nicotine wears off so does the pleasure resulting in the withdrawal indications. This process happens fairly quickly, which is why smokers tend to smoke at least once an hour.

Some acupuncturists claim a 70% success rate for curing people of smoking after a couple of sessions of two to three weeks. This is quite high and since acupuncture is not that costly you will quickly recoup your costs. 

Some acupuncturists make use of herbs and other aids to back up their acupuncture. They might even provide some counselling on how best to avoid getting themselves into predicaments where one is likely to begin smoking again. 

This is all useful. It often takes a several-pronged attack to overthrow the smoking habit and as long as you do stop, then it does not actually not matter how.

There are several slight differences of the actual techniques of acupuncture, so you may not experience exactly what you read, but most anti-smoking sessions will last 30 minutes, during which time, filiform needles will be inserted into the skin in the ear, hands and wrists, which does not hurt at all. The therapist may also pass a low electrical charge through the needles for extra stimulation.

Owen Jones, the writer of this piece, writes on many topics, but is at present concerned with quitting smoking statistics. If you have an interest in stopping smoking, please go over to our website now at Health Risks To Smoking

Simply look at films manufactured in the Sixties and before, everyone is smoking. It proves how popular smoking was compared with today. This would not be allowed now as you cannot smoke in public places, on public transport, in restaurants or in bars any more in most Western countries and elsewhere as well.

The problem with smoking is that not merely the smoker suffers, so does everyone in the environs of the smoker. This is known as passive smoking and it has an effect on those working or living with smokers – a barmaid or a spouse for example. So, all these people are endangering their health so that tobacco businesses can get richer.

No matter how long someone has been smoking, it is possible to stop the habit. Anyone who has quit smoking will tell you that quitting smoking cigarettes has all to do with the mind. You really have to desire to give up smoking or you will not do it effectively.

People have different ways of quitting smoking cigarettes. Some say that nicotine patches or nicotine gum helps, because you can wean yourself off nicotine slowly without having to inhale the toxic smoke of cigarettes.

Nicotine is extremely addictive and most of the chemical withdrawal symptoms have to do with the shortage of nicotine in the body.

Most people find that the single most effective fashion of ceasing smoking cigarettes is to give up smoking dead – in one go. It is very difficult to cut down or to switch to a weaker brand. You are still inhaling toxic smoke and it is still no help to you or anyone about you.

Cutting down or switching brands does not work, because you will still smoke other smokers’ cigarettes and you will still be in a smokers’ environment. You will also find yourself smoking tomorrow’s five cigarettes today, swearing not to smoke any the next day. That never works. You have to give up smoking dead.

There are a number of situations that may provide the motivation to give up smoking cigarettes. Illness is mostly high on the list. A couple of years ago two friends of mine who smoked heavily gave up smoking cigarettes within weeks of every other.

One was in his sixties and had smoked for almost sixty years: he was advised that his lungs were beginning to go, but that if he stopped smoking, the shock might kill him. He give up smoking one morning and is still alive, but what a dilemma!

The other was in his fifties and drove a great amount as a travelling salesman. The medical doctor told him that he would probably have to have a leg removed next year, if he did not stop smoking and that the other may go a year or so after that. He stopped smoking instantly and still has both legs.

So it appears that the secret to quitting smoking cigarettes successfully is to find your motivation (do you hope to live long enough to see the grandchildren get married?) and hold that image in front of you at all times.

Take nicotine substitutes if you have to and keep away from environments where some people smoke more, like taverns. Join a sports club instead, something like tennis, table tennis, sailing or even chess.

Owen Jones, the writer of this piece, writes on many subjects, but is at gift involved with the reasons why to quit smoking. If you have an interest in massage, please go over to our web site now at Health Risks to Smoking