Five years later Dee had a recurrence of cancer and was failing. I mumbled something about dying of cancer and she retorted, “I’m not dying of cancer; I’m living with cancer.” She was saying that while cancer may be a fact of her life, she is in charge of living her life…until it’s over. She died a few weeks later…

Dee had a big impact on me. I reflected on times in my life when I had felt trapped. I realized that each time I allowed that feeling to persist, I was telling myself I was a victim and not in charge of my life. I was just making excuses for not taking charge and doing something.

Think about it: every time you blame something on a circumstance, your partner, your genes, your age or your addiction, you are making yourself a victim.

The good news is that to lead a meaningful, fulfilling and mostly happy life, you need to take charge of living your life. Being more in charge of your living, however, is not an all-or-nothing thing. You begin with the choice to take charge of something, and then follow that choice with a myriad of further choices.

When young Bill was in high school he heard somewhere that the University computer Center was open for non-university people to use from 2 to 4 AM every night. He chose to set his alarm, sneak out of the house, go to learn by doing in the computer center every night, sneak back into his room and go to sleep. (His parents couldn’t understand why he was so tired in the daytime.) Bill Gates’s choice to take charge at that young age has affected virtually every home, office and school in North America and in much of the rest of the world. It has also led to the largest charitable donation in human history.

When Michael was a freshman at University in 1984, his parents made a surprise visit to his dorm room. “Where are your books?” his dad queried. Michael admitted he had chosen to spend his book money on computer parts to make computers for other students. “But don’t you see dad, there is no middleman? In 10 years I’ll be bigger than IBM.” His next choice was to leave University. In 10 years to the month Michael Dell’s sales surpassed those of IBM.

In the worst known case of child abduction and abuse, Jaycee Dugard was abducted at 11 and kept as a sex slave for 18 years. At 13 she gave birth to a daughter. She said in an interview that the birth of her daughter and her choice to be a good mother gave her life meaning and probably saved her life. She wrote, “I don’t think of myself as a victim. I survived.”

If Dee and Jaycee could choose to be in charge of their living, can’t we all? To what extent have you chosen to be in charge of your living?

I have to say that of all the doctors and dentists that I have been to over the years, the only one that has helped me out considerable is my chiropractor.   Many years ago, after my daughter was born, I had a horrible pinched nerve and would get pain up and down my leg that would not go away.  I started going to a chiropractor for several months to hopefully fix the problem.  

Sometimes the situation would be worse after an adjustments. But as the chiropractor explains, the process of getting your spine back into alignment can be a long one, involving many adjustments and yes, sometimes feeling worse.  

After about 6 months of treatments- I would go 1-2 times per week–I finally was seeing some pain relief.  Now many years later, I am having a similar problem with one of my legs and I am back to having to go to the chiropractor every week.

Of course, I could probably have avoided the whole issue if I would go for regular adjustments to make sure I stayed in alignment, but who has the time.  It’s hard to go to an appointment when nothing is hurting.  I guess I should look at it as preventive care. So, long story short, the chirpractor has “Cured” my pinched nerve with frequent terms and I certainly consider chiropractors doctors.

On July 12, 2005, Kyle MacDonald initiated a trading game. He had a dream and he had bills to cover, he really needed a job, but instead … He placed an ad on Craigslist aiming to trade in his paperclip for something considerably better. He traded it for a ballpoint pen in the shape of a fish that started a sequence of bartering which captured the attention of thousands of people who followed his cross-continental trading travel. He continued trading and went from the pen, to a camping stove, to a power generator, to a neon sign, to a snowmobile, to a trip, to a snow globe.

On July 7, 2006, he completed his last trade for the house he always wanted to have. Then he threw a housewarming party, where he proposed to his girlfriend with a wedding ring made from the original red paperclip which was generously returned from his first trader.

Had I told you that it’s possible to get a house with a single red paperclip – you’d have assumed I had already lost my mind and come from another planet. You would have asserted that I was in la la land and completely unrealistic. However, the reality is this… those people who live with their eyes firmly planted on what is realistic keep themselves in a world of limited possibilities. Those people who keep their eyes firmly planted on the vision of their dreams create possibilities that are close to mystical in nature.

It looks like a big leap, however, to go from paperclip to homeowner. How do you connect such a wide gap? By trading up. That is what MacDonald did.

What if we could trade up our thoughts in the same way? What would happen? What if we could go from a feeling of hopelessness to a world of abundance in a few simple trades?

If we take a look at people who live stratospheric lives we find that the single greatest difference between them and everyone else is only the way they think. They are aware of the thoughts that they have that limit their possibilities and trade them up for thoughts of slightly higher value.

Our thoughts are the single most significant factor in achieving our dreams. Our thoughts become our beliefs, our beliefs lead to the expectations we have and our expectations drive the results we get. Just as MacDonald started with a simple paperclip and kept trading up, we can also trade up our thoughts to better thoughts and even better, greater ones until we reach our ultimate dreams.

Three key strategies to trade up to success:

1. MacDonald had a dream and a vision. He knew just what he wanted at the end of the trade, and he considered, maneuvered and orchestrated each trade to acquire maximum benefit. His trades sparked his interest in some way, they were instinctive and he could see a better picture within them. They made sense to him. You cannot figure out how to go about achieving your dreams till you have defined them. When you see your dream clearly, your thoughts and actions are aligned correctly, working in harmony to attain your vision.

2. Our unique experience. We are bestowed with a unique set of gifts and skills that are given only to us to assist us in navigating through journeys with our own brand of ingenuity. In MacDonald’s case, he was a jack of all trades with a restless nature. He actually did not want a conventional job; he is a geography enthusiast, a writer who drew upon circumstance, chance meetings and the quirky insignificant stuff of life as fuel for the stories on his blog, and wanderlust with a keen savvy for celebrity. He compiled each one of his gifts in his mission to trade up to a house, using in fact, the red paperclip that held together his resume. The red paperclip symbolically and factually saved him from conventional wisdom. Hmmmm. Follow your heart; do what you’re good at.

3. Live with passion. What did he really trade? From door knob to cube van, these items really had very little value. They had sentiment perhaps, or the cute factor, or made a glowing comment on society, or were kitsch so they were cool, arbitrary and extraordinary, fun and spontaneous, but mainly monetarily mediocre (except of course the house, and the snow globe which Corbin Benson desperately wanted to add to his collection).But they also had something very specific and altruistic about them. They were much more than objects; they were stories. They had a culture; they represented the journey, the dream, and they inspired, set fire to the imagination and generated excitement. The paperclip started a vibe; it was contagious, it became an obsession and a passion, and it became the stuff films are made of. One Paperclip is a book and a film produced by Dreamworks. Seems only fitting.

Kim Ades, MBA, President of Frame of Mind Coaching, is one of North America’s foremost experts on performance through thought management. By using her unique process of coaching through journaling, she works with clients to unveil and switch their thought patterns to ignite significant change and life transformation. She is now teaching this process to coaches all over the world for use with their clients. Visit www.frameofmindcoaching.com to sign up for your own free, secure, online journal. 

A man and woman start chatting one day in the coffee room at the place they both work. They quickly discover that they both hate their jobs. Their instant connection blossoms into an intimate relationship.

Within five minutes of the first hello two women discover they had both survived sexual abuse as children. Wow! Each knows the other understands and they bond.

A man and woman are medicating their unhappy lives in a bar when they meet. They connect through their unhappiness and their liquid solution.

The problem with all these scenarios is that the connection is formed at the level of the wound, problem or complaint. It’s hard to build a happy, productive life or a lasting relationship on a complaint. People get tired of their marriages and their friendships. They often feel stuck and sometimes hopeless.

The question is, how do you avoid starting relationships based on a negative focus? If you are already caught in one, is there a way to fix it?

At the heart of any solution is language. Pay attention to your language, the questions you ask and how you respond to questions from others.

It doesn’t matter that Jane and Barb’s husbands have been poor communicators; what matters now is how they get their husbands talking again and rebuild their marriages… or leave them and move on.

It doesn’t matter that the two people in the bar have used alcohol to medicate their unhappy life situations; what matters now is how they will turn their lives around so they can be happy. Getting out of the alcohol sinkhole is only one piece of that.

If someone starts a conversation with a complaint, respond with a question or comment around solution. If they engage in discussing solutions, you are off to a good start in a new relationship. If they insist on focusing on the negative, move on.

If you are in a relationship based on a negative, use language, the only tool you have, to shift the focus. If you fail to steer the relationship into a positive focus, with or without outside help, move on. You have no obligation to stay in a negative, unhappy place.

People often take their more serious complaints and problems to healthcare workers, and the endless stream of people’s problems leads many to burn out. Furthermore, the suicide rate for healthcare workers is much higher than in the general population.

The principles I’ve just outlined, however, apply to healthcare workers too. People come to me with horrendous problems, some dating back to childhood. Often I’ve been there myself, but that is not where we connect. Yes, we deal with past stuff, but only to the extent necessary for creating a better present and future. We focus on what is needed to restore hope and happiness and achieve whatever other positive outcomes the client seeks. That way, clients get what they want and I don’t burn out.

I invite you to reflect on how you have used language to connect with others. Do you tend to connect on a positive? Or a negative?

As a result, you can buy a good bottle of Chardonnay for under $15. Chardonnay will pair well with poultry dishes, pork, seafood or recipes that have a heavy cream or butter base. Also consider pairing unoaked Chardonnay with guacamole, garlic, salads, grilled shrimp or even curry dishes. With a long and distinguished following, Chardonnay enjoys a very versatile image, with vintners offering a broad range of styles and structures. wine types From rich, buttery Chardonnays that boast power and presence to the unoaked fruit-forward Chardonnays that allow the varietal character and expression to be in the spotlight, this white wine is capable of accomodating most palates and just as many food pairing combinations. If you prefer a big buttery Chardonnay then look for ones that have been through malolactic fermentation, as they will yield the compound diacetyl, which makes up the dominant scent of fake butter used in microwave popcorn and imitation butter flavorings used in baked goods.

Pinot Grigio and Pinot Gris are one in the same – the former is the Italian version of its French counterpart. Widely planted in the north of Italy, Pinot Grigio has risen to prominence in the northeast regions of Trentino and Friuli. Pinot Gris is also a principal grape in the Alsace region of France, where climate and soil combine to craft this refreshing white wine. The Pinot Grigio grape is planted widely in the United States, most notably in Oregon, where it outpaces Pinot Grigio plantings in all other wine regions of the U.S. combined. This grape yields a dry, fruit-first wine.

There are millions of individuals, if not billions, that rely on glasses, contact lenses, or another artificial lens to assist them with their vision problems. Relying on any type of articficial lens is probably not the best thought to resolve your vision problem and I’m sure many can do without glasses or contact lenses if they were more aware of using ways to improve eyesight naturally. But for most people, after they understand that they are experiencing imaginative and prescient problems, they may end up going to the physician and end up wearing glasses. They will not even consider other alternatives.

Do you realize that glasses or another artificial lens can potentially harm your eyes more than help them? They solely act as a temporary fix. Have you ever observed that every few years your again at the eye physician to get one other pair of glasses as a result of the previous ones aren’t cutting it anymore. What is happening is that your eyes will turn into adjusted to the glasses after you’ve got been wearing them for a while and end up making the eyes become lazy and more dependent on them.

Studying the way to improve eyesight will assist your eyes to stay strong and healthy. As we get older, it’s said that our eyesight will slowly deteriorate. This is true but should you maintain your eyes, you will have significantly better vision than if you don’t.

Listed below are some tips on learn how to improve eyesight:

- Eat Healthier – This may assist you to to get all the correct nutrients your eyes have to perform normally.
- Blinking – There is a reason why individuals blink and that’s to maintain the eyes lubricated. Blink more.
- Take Breaks – Once you’re at work on your pc or doing anything else that may strain the eyes, take more breaks and look up at different objects around you.

These are just a few ways in the right way to improve eyesight to see more clearly. One of the fundamental causes of eye problems is making them turn into strained. When you are frustrated and stressed out, you’ll be able to doubtlessly hurt your eyes. This is why is is vital to give the eyes some rest. By doing this additionally, you will stay more focused on your daily tasks. Even simply closing your eyes for a couple of minutes simply to present them rest is healthier than nothing.

Studying the ways in how one can improve eyesight and using the strategies involved shouldn’t be difficult. It actually comes down to altering a couple of unhealthy habits reminiscent of observing a computer for lengthy periods of time and replacing them with habits that will aid you to see extra clearly. Straining the eyes is something to be prevented and this is among the principal ideas that lots of the eye exercises are based upon.

Allan – my husband

Louis – my 14 year old son

Ferne – my 10 year old daughter

Brian – my 12 year old stepson

Michael – my 14 year old stepson who replaced Brian at 11:30 p.m. because Brian was too anxious and tired to continue

Me – Entrepreneur, Coach, Wife, and mother of 5!

Jonathan – MIA – he was busy having a party with 15 of his closest friends in the basement

The Game:

We‘d been at it for at least 5 hours and at 1 in the morning, the game still wasn’t over.  We called for a continuation the following night.  I had a hunch that I could win the game but the endlessness of it was beginning to wear me down.  I had to wake up early the next day to prepare Father’s Day brunch for the gang that was coming over to celebrate and I went to bed knowing that I would be exhausted the next day. Yes, it was quality time with my family, but at 1 a.m. I could feel myself resenting the hours I spent buying houses, hanging out in jail, and charging others for landing on my property.  We were only halfway through the game, and in order to arrive at a consensus to pause the game for the night, I promised that I would hang in for the rest of the game the following day. I dreaded the thought and secretly I hoped that somehow I could get out of it. 

The next day when it became clear that they were not going to let me off the hook, I decided to pay attention to the game with a more discerning eye.  Not only did I have every intention of obliterating my opponents (which I did), I started to watch for patterns of behaviour, strategic thinking, and their attitudes about money and how to manage it.  I decided that if I had to play the bloody game I might as well learn something from it!!! As it turns out, Monopoly is really a microcosm of life and one can learn A LOT about people by watching them play. They play the game just like they play life.

Their Strategies:

Louis: Picky buyer. Wheeler dealer until he has nothing left to wheel and deal with.

 Brian: Buy up everything on the board. Emotional blackmailer, increasing and decreasing offers based on loyalty and mood.

Ferne: Careful with money, kind to others and often distracted, resulting in a lot of free passes to her opponents and lost opportunities.

Allan: Accumulate money and sell off random properties, to ensure that he has enough to cover himself if he lands on someone’s property.  For him, cash is king.

Michael: Play on the edge the whole time, offering deals that leave him close to cashless, mortgaging properties for the extra cash.

Me: Slow and steady. Accumulating properties with a safe buffer of cash, never really offering deals, but accepting or rejecting them as they are offered.

Jonathan: Desperate to play the next game – he feels like he missed out!

The Lessons:

Yes it’s true that these are the characters in my life, but it seems that they probably represent the broad spectrum of the population when it comes to handling money in their own lives.  Some people over extend themselves, some people play too safely, some people are oblivious to opportunity, and some would rather pull out altogether than experience the highs and lows of winning and losing. 

The point is this…

1. Winning is a lot more fun than losing but not if you are miserable while you play.
2. The real winner is the one who enjoys the process and learns along the way, win or ‘lose’
3. All the games in your life are played according to the way you think. If you are not happy with your outcomes or not having fun along the way, then it is time to revisit your mental strategy.

Kim Ades, MBA, President of Frame of Mind Coaching, is one of North America’s foremost experts on performance through thought management. By using her unique process of coaching through journaling, she works with clients to unveil and switch their thought patterns to ignite significant change and life transformation. She is now teaching this process to coaches all over the world for use with their clients. Visit www.frameofmindcoaching to sign up for your own free, secure, online journal.

For some unexplainable reason, pushing the elevator button is a big honor and privilege simply reserved for those who are quick on the draw. It’s a status matter and the allure is the responsibility and the control over making the elevator move and getting it from one place to another. There’s power in pressing the button and children strive to compete for that kind of power. It is natural.

Strangely enough, the desire for power appears to dissolve with age. In fact, we often do everything to abdicate that power. I’m not talking about the power to press buttons (though we can throw that one in too – we stay away from hitting buttons at all cost because we’re very worried about touching the buttons for fear of acquiring germs). I am referring to the power to walk into our lives and take responsibility for our happiness. We think of every reason under the sun why happiness is not possible.

“How can you expect me to become happy? The market isn’t good. The competition is fierce. Being a parent is hard. Having older, aging parents is stressful. Budgets are limited. Married life is hard work. My back hurts. I am overweight. I have laundry to do. I have no time at all. Life is really a huge challenge and I’m tired.”

While all of this could be your reality, the truth is that this is the reality you’ve chosen to concentrate on and what you focus on is what becomes your life, plain and simple. The fact is that happiness is a choice that is a result of one basic decision: to push the button on the value of your life as a priority. To decide with unequivocal fortitude that you and your happiness are certainly more important than any other thing in the universe and be willing to say “Called it! Locked it! Threw away the key!”

Are you prepared to press that button?

Kim Ades, MBA, President of Frame of Mind Coaching and JournalEngine™ Software, is one of North America’s foremost experts on performance through thought management. By using her unique process of coaching through journaling, she works with clients to unveil and switch their thought patterns to ignite significant change and life transformation. Evaluate the areas of your life where you’re ready to push the button at www.assessyourframeofmind.com.

The Drink

You stop at a friend’s place for a coffee. He offers you a drink. You say no, because you won’t be there very long and you have a long drive after you leave. But you found it hard to say no, because it was a nice gesture and you would enjoy a drink, so you explain that you have to make the long drive when you leave…Then your friend says one won’t hurt you, and besides, you can stay a while longer. You end up accepting the drink, but feel uncomfortable. You thought you had made it clear, so why did he pressure you?

The Fling

Another example: you are on a business trip, bump into an old boyfriend and decide to have dinner together. You have a great visit, but at the end of the meal he invites you to spend the night with him in his hotel room. He appears disappointed when you say no, so you remind him that you are in a committed relationship and then you add that you have an early-morning meeting you have to prepare for. As you debate the importance of the meeting with him and what it means to be in a committed relationship, you wonder why he is so persistent after you already said no. Hint: it’s not about the hormones.

The Divorce

A final example: after a great deal of reflection and marriage counseling, you decide to end your marriage. When you announce you are leaving, the first thing out of his mouth is “Why?” You tell him honestly you can’t live with his infidelity and alcohol abuse. He declares that he has already changed and he convinces you to give him another chance. You feel conned, but there you are, still with him. What went wrong?

The Explanation

The problem stems from the fact that most people, including you and including me, have been socialized to be nice to others and not hurt them. However, we all have to make decisions, and your decisions are yours alone to make. If your decision might not sit well with the other person and you don’t want to hurt or offend that person, you try to handle your internal conflict by explaining your decision. Explaining is natural and almost automatic.

In each of the examples above you said no and meant it: you won’t have a drink, you won’t spend the night with your old boyfriend and you won’t stay in your marriage. However, as soon as you even hinted at an explanation, the other party had you hooked. Your “no” had become “I’m willing to negotiate,” no matter what you intended.

No with an explanation is negotiation. No with nothing added means no. Every eight year old and every mother of an eight year old knows that!

It may sound counterintuitive that “no” without an explanation is much stronger than “no” with an explanation. Perhaps that is part of why it is so hard to resist offering an explanation.

Remind yourself of this truth: if you have made a personal decision that is yours to make, you do not owe anyone an explanation, especially an unwanted suitor or an about-to-be ex-spouse.

Reflection

I invite your to reflect on times you let yourself slip into negotiation after you said no and meant it. How did it work for you?

So when I was in Montreal for a family function, we got to enjoy some time together. She came down for breakfast one morning wearing a t-shirt that said:

E = MC²

Miss Moman

After reading her t-shirt and believing that Miss Moman must be a new band targeting the teenage crowd, I asked, “Who is Miss Moman?”

“She’s the Bomb dot com,” was the reply I received.

“Is she a new pop star?” I questioned.

“No. She is my math teacher.”

“Your math teacher???” I was shocked and mixed up. “You had a t-shirt designed with your math teacher’s name on it? Why would you do that?”

“I like her. She rocks.”

“What do you like about her?”

“She is the best.”

“Okay, but exactly what makes her the best?”

“Nothing really, she isjust simply awesome.”

“I do not fully understand. What makes her awesome?”

“She is really cool. We have a really good relationship. She lets me do things in class.”

“Like what?” I was overcurious. I wanted to know what kind of magic elixir Miss Moman was making to elicit such enthusiasm from a grade 10 student.

“Well, let me give you an example. The other day I was lying on her work desk and I saw her pencil case. She forgot it in class and I opened it up and found this cool pen and I started using it.”

“You were lying down on her work desk?!?! Who does that? Did she get angry?”

“No, that is the thing, she does not get mad. She is cool with it.”

In my mind, I imagined a circus trainer wanting to tame her wild animals. She obviously had no power to control her class. I deemed it difficult for anyone to learn anything in that type of crazy environment. “Okay, what are your grades like?”

“Pretty good. I got a 98% on my final test.”

“98%! Wow! That’s amazing.”

“She makes me want to work for her and obtain good marks.”

Still dumbfounded by the Miss Moman puzzle, I continued with this question, “What do you think makes Miss Momanso special?”

“Nothing really. She just lets me be me.”

Kim Ades, MBA, President of Frame of Mind Coaching and JournalEngine™ Software, is one of North America’s foremost experts on performance through thought management. By using her unique process of coaching through journaling, she works with clients to unveil and switch their thought patterns to ignite significant change and life transformation. Be the real you in your own personal, free, online journal at www.frameomfindcoaching.com.