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Do you ever consider that your husband’s verbal abuse might be intentional? Does he have excuses for engaging in this form of abuse that you accept, but that in truth, shouldn’t be excusable?
Perhaps you have brushed aside his verbal abuse in the past, but you are here reading this article because now, you don’t want to take it anymore. But how do you get him to stop, right?
If you are ready for your verbally abusive relationship to end, if you are tried of being an abused woman, you might be inclined to tell your husband just how much this hurts you emotionally. Then he’ll give it up, you tell yourself.
Well, maybe he will. Then again, maybe he won’t.
You need to be prepared for an unpleasant surprise. Yes, be prepared for the worst, but still hold out an expectation for the best.
See, whether you have thought about it this way or not–and I suspect you have not, actually–your husband’s verbal abuse might be intentional. This is particularly likely to be the case if he suffers from unhealthy levels of narcissism. And if he is diagnosable as having actual Narcissistic Personality Disorder or NPD, this probably is the case.
I know, this isn’t the type of thing you want to hear. Nonetheless, it is the type of thing you need to hear. It is pointless enduring his verbal abuse thinking that if you just ignore it or forgive him or keep showing you just how much you love him or care, things are going to change.
Sorry, but those suffering what you’ll see discussed on the internet as unhealthy levels of narcissism, malignant narcissism, or pathological narcissism all refer to levels of narcissism that result in a person who is poor partner material. These men use not only verbal abuse regularly, but they are proponents of emotional or psychological abuse, economic abuse, social abuse, and sexual abuse, too.
Did you think I forgot to talk about physical abuse? No, I intentionally left that out. See, many abusive narcissists can be successful in their careers or professional lives while they make their home lives miserable with these other forms of abuse–forms of abuse that get them the results they want. Yes, they remain in control of their wives and their children. Because they are not impulsive men, plus they often have a lot to lose, they aren’t going to engage in physical abuse because that can get them in trouble with the law. When other forms of abuse are effective in getting them what they want, why engage in behaviors that might raise eyebrows?
Those suffering from Antisocial Personality Disorder, the personality disorder now used to label the type of individuals previously called sociopaths, and before that, psychopaths, are the ones who are inclined to use physical abuse. Well, just as there are men who suffer from unhealthy levels of narcissism who don’t suffer from Narcissistic Personality Disorder, you are going to see some men who merely have antisocial tendencies who behave this way, too.
But let’s get back to the topic of verbal abuse. Am I saying that all men who engage in verbal abuse are narcissists or have antisocial tendencies and you can’t expect them to change? No, I am not saying that. I believe some men use verbal abuse almost out of habit. They can learn other ways of communicating that don’t involve abuse.
I suspect that the men likely to change might come from backgrounds not unlike those of you and other women who suffer their abuse.
What do I mean by this exactly? Well, think of yourself or other women who endure a husband’s verbal abuse. Don’t you think some of you do so because you grew up in families where your parents verbally abused you? In other words, while you have never liked it, because there is something familiar about it, you tolerate it when others who came from healthier families would not.
Yes, yourhusband might engage in verbal abuse because he is essentially modeling the communication patterns of a verbally abusive parent. When he learns how he pierces your heart and self esteem regularly with his verbal abuse, however, he might elect to try and change.
Some men truly don’t realize how painful their verbal abuse is. When they see a videotape or hear an audiotape of their behavior, they are often shocked. They want to change.
These are the men who often do well in anger management classes, couples communication, or therapy. They practice the new skills they are taught. They are also typically grateful for the help.
If you tell your husband that his verbal abuse hurts and he tells you you’re being too sensitive and makes other excuses, that is not a good sign. But if he blows up and you’re then hit with another barrage of verbal abuse, that is a dismal sign. You have probably triggered his narcissistic rage. Who are you to suggest that he is doing anything wrong and needs to change his ways? Where does a nothing like you get off telling him, a somebody, something like that?
Oh, there is a chance the narcissist might feign remorse. But if you get him to go into couples’ therapy, watch very carefully. I suspect he will try to charm the therapist and convince that person you are the problem. He will want the therapist to fix you, not him. And if the therapist tries to confront him, he might well fly into a narcissistic rage and engage in an onslaught of verbal abuse against the therapist.
Sometimes a narcissist will play along in therapy for a little while. He might enjoy the attention of the therapist if he feels the therapist has impressive credentials–like he has written a New York Times Bestseller. But again, he is not going to actually try and implement behavioral change strategies, though he certainly might press you to do so. And if you don’t do as he pleases, he’ll have some new psychological terms with which to label you, of course.
I think if you watch your spouse with eyes wide open, you will know in your heart if he is trying to change. Indeed, if he is struggling to do better, then your marriage can probably be saved. But if he responds to your suggestions with rage, you might want to start trying to find the name of a good divorce attorney. While you might not elecet to leave your narcissisitic and verbally abusive spouse immediately, that day will likely come.
When you understand the rationale or intent behind your husband’s verbal abuse, you have a good idea as to whether or not your marriage should be saved.
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Verbal abuse is always painful and hurtfull. Yet it hurts the most when your partner starts calling you names. Today was the first time and i was shocked. We both have to deal with a lot of stress and i know things aren't easy (due to circumstances we are in 2 different continents right now, so the non verbal communication can't be used/expressed), but i sincerely do not know what to do with this. I will not accept and tolerate my husband to call me those words, yet standing up to him only had the reverse effect. The anger inside him only grew.
I been with my husband for almost 2 yrs and he totaly has control over me, He threatens me with a divorce atleast 2 to 3 times a month, sometimes he yells in front of my son. I keep thinking he will change but this really got deep into my heart, I have no clue on to leave or stay. He has never hit me but he has gotten in my face a couple of times, He is in the ARMY and he treats me like this because of what an ex girlfriend did to him (cheating left him for her best friend) there has been times where I would pray to god to change him but I figure after 2 yrs and 1 yr me asking him to change he will never change, He wont talk out our problems so we both could try to make them better. He gets mad when I tell him mmy feelings I have no idea what to do. I love him so much.
I was with my ex since I was 19. I married him at 23 and had two kids. I left him at 31 but he still has complete control of me. i moved back in a house with him, so my teenage children could have the life that others have at this age. He works in another state and comes home on weekends. He threatens to kick me out every two to three months. I took a job so that I am off by the time my kids are out of school. Its not much money but. I am the president of the board of my sons high school athletic program and fundraise for my daughter who is a cheer leader. When is it okay to move away?? when can i get from under his thumb. my son is a junior in high school, with a 4 point one average. A year and a half to go. my daughter is in eighth grade and honor student. I cannot afford to live on my own in my state but don't feel its right to move my son at this point. My children are starting to treat me as he does and i am at my wits end. I come from a great family and they support me as much as i let them. I came clean this year about how he treats me and I need some relief.. i feel guity for choosing the man I did and now feel like my children are taking how he treats me like its okay. just a little help
I don't know what to call it but my husband and 13 yr old son are verbally abusive. I don't think they are narcissists. Been together 18 yrs. Want to leave but seriously don't know where to start. Do not have regular paychecks, etc. Will have to leave son behind. Cannot take their frequent angry outbursts, screaming, shouting and almost non stop stress when they are home. I have fallen "out of love" but don't know what to do with our son. He has completely turned him against me and he's heading down a wild path. Did I mention a 25 yr age dif?
I left my husband's physical, emotional and verbal abuse 15 years ago. I have not been remarried or even close because anytime I date and they remind me in ANY way of him I run! I know my faults VERY well and am harder on myself than anyone could ever be. I except my faults but since my accident and three operations later I am on steriod shots and their is not much I can do. Every day my body feels like my ex beat me again. The meds help but I don't take them because I don't want to get hooked. I have gained weight. I recently got together with a much older (25years) man and he knew me when I was skinny and 16. He is funny and kind but he is saying I should lose weight for my back, cut my hair to look more stylish, does not like that I am a democrat because he is a staunch republican. I am a live and let live due to my past and religion. But, his kidding about my faults have become not so kindly said anymore. I feel bad for him because he lost his wife, a wonderful woman I loved very much. I thought I could help him and he was helping me. When he was putting me down more than lifting me us I decided to have a chat with more in detail then just a little comment. I mentioned he was reminding me of Dan (my ex)and I didn't need reminding of my faults...he said that was why he quit talking because I didn't want to hear it. Needless to say our relationship is not the same but, I love him we do lots of things together and have a great time..it is just this problem we have. he is the first one I have not run from and love since my ex. I would like to send him something on what I am going through... something that might explain why I am the way I am 15 years later. How his jabs cut so deep and bring it ALL BACK! If anyone can help me find this please send it to me or post here.. Thank You for this great page and I pray for all of you strength and love and for God to help you all through this journey you are on. It is a hard road and sad any of us have to travel it.
Amy, You are not alone. I go to a website called www.womansavers.com and all the women there support eachother and you will see there are other mean and evil men like ours out there...sad but true.
Hello, I can relate to your story so much. I also feel your pain and hope you are at a better place today. My husband (we live apart have a 9 year old shared custody-is also the best damn liar ever. My own parents don't even believe me ,that i was emotionally, physically, abused, my and my son's life repeatedly threatened and he cheated emotionally a year until i caught him. i also have about 15 chronic diseases and have had 7 pelvic surgeries the last one didn't go well and he decided to check out on his family.. my poor but amazing son has been taking care of me since. He stopped over to drop of our son today and made me a bowl of rice and emptied my dishes, so he did his help for the week, he told me about 5 times. didn't we marry for better of worse.,not to see your wife 5 minutes 2 times a week .never talks to me, hugs, me shows any affection is always mad angry bitter, and he's the one who did the damage, but like my parents say it take's two.He was like a Dr. Jeckyll and hyde he was drunk and he scared the hell out of me i did nothing to provoke him, he'd come home this house is a bleeeping mess , a few dishes in the sink we had a 4 level house ,after my surgery , a new dog and he expected me to clean it all plus i had a damanding career, which i lost and we sold out house and separated. It makes me sick he's the nicest person in the world Mr. Rodgers will do anything for anyone , a stranger, but i can lie in bed crying in pain, starving, and he;s too busy.last week they found my blood glucose was 40 and i don't have diabetes, a few months earlier in the ER it was 38 and i had to be given something. all he cared about was when could we leave. this all is so familiar with this chris brown thing. he was raised by his mama so he treats woman with respect that;s what my husband said and everytime i hear that then the man ends up abusing her. sorry for running on, no one to talk to write back if you can Manipulation, mind games, turning the blame on you, i know how it twists your mind and need time to heel.police are only good when your dead, unfortunately. i hope and will pray for you i know how hard this is and also your twins. our kids don't deserve this life. my son said to me the other day mom why is everyone divorced, all my friends moms and dads live apart. how sad? amy : (one last note i was gang raped as a virgin and have had a very tragic life, I would also like to write a book, I have many diseases that could potentially kill me at any time. If anyone could help me on how to start this process i would appreciate it or any groups near oregon wi (near madison)thanks
I congratulate all of you regardless in how you have processed the horrible experience of being a victim of spousal abuse. I too, was one, my story is no worse than yours, the emotional pain at the time of being abused, and the emotional pain you struggle with and try to resolve within yourself after. Sometimes this can go on for many years, as one can lose confidence in connecting in a new relationship. Fear of repeating, knowing that you cannot take one more relationship with abuse. I personally am monitoring myself to assess whether I am capable of moving forward into a new relationship after years of psychological, emotional and physical abuse. Unfortunately, it is taking me a long time to heal, as the abuse from my ex-husband continues through plots, plans, manipulations through our twin sons. And unfortunately the courts/lawyers made a very big mistake allowing maximum visitation for my ex-husband, a sociopath.I'd rather not say he's sick, the correct word for him is evil and he continues to be obsessed with me through passive-aggressive behavior. Still comes around my house for fourteen years. Police, lawyers, been there, done that, no good. He lies better than I tell the truth!,my biggest problem. One good thing I can say, it has made me a very strong woman, I'm not bitter,just very hurt. I'm a nurse, and I have great compassion and empathy for my patients and friends, this is the good that has come out of it.
I congratulate all of you regardless in how you have processed the horrible experience of being a victim of spousal abuse. I too, was one, my story is no worse than yours, the emotional pain at the time of being abused, and the emotional pain you struggle with and try to resolve within yourself after. Sometimes this can go on for many years, as one can lose confidence in connecting in a new relationship. Fear of repeating, knowing that you cannot take one more relationship with abuse. I personally am monitoring myself to assess whether I am capable of moving forward into a new relationship after years of psychological, emotional and physical abuse. Unfortunately, it is taking me a long time to heal, as the abuse from my ex-husband continues through plots, plans, manipulations through our twin sons. And unfortunately the courts/lawyers made a very big mistake allowing maximum visitation for my ex-husband, a sociopath.I'd rather not say he's sick, the correct word for him is evil and he continues to be obsessed with me through passive-aggressive behavior. Still comes around my house for fourteen years. Police, lawyers, been there, done that, no good. He lies better than I tell the truth!,my biggest problem. One good thing I can say, it has made me a very strong woman, I'm not bitter,just very hurt. I'm a nurse, and I have great compassion and empathy for my patients and friends, this is the good that has come out of it.
I congratulate all of you regardless in how you have processed the horrible experience of being a victim of spousal abuse. I too, was one, my story is no worse than yours, the emotional pain at the time of being abused, and the emotional pain you struggle with and try to resolve within yourself after. Sometimes this can go on for many years, as one can lose confidence in connecting in a new relationship. Fear of repeating, knowing that you cannot take one more relationship with abuse. I personally am monitoring myself to assess whether I am capable of moving forward into a new relationship after years of psychological, emotional and physical abuse. Unfortunately, it is taking me a long time to heal, as the abuse from my ex-husband continues through plots, plans, manipulations through our twin sons. And unfortunately the courts/lawyers made a very big mistake allowing maximum visitation for my ex-husband, a sociopath.I'd rather not say he's sick, the correct word for him is evil and he continues to be obsessed with me through passive-aggressive behavior. Still comes around my house for fourteen years. Police, lawyers, been there, done that, no good. He lies better than I tell the truth!,my biggest problem. One good thing I can say, it has made me a very strong woman, I'm not bitter,just very hurt. I'm a nurse, and I have great compassion and empathy for my patients and friends, this is the good that has come out of it.
I congratulate all of you regardless in how you have processed the horrible experience of being a victim of spousal abuse. I too, was one, my story is no worse than yours, the emotional pain at the time of being abused, and the emotional pain you struggle with and try to resolve within yourself after. Sometimes this can go on for many years, as one can lose confidence in connecting in a new relationship. Fear of repeating, knowing that you cannot take one more relationship with abuse. I personally am monitoring myself to assess whether I am capable of moving forward into a new relationship after years of psychological, emotional and physical abuse. Unfortunately, it is taking me a long time to heal, as the abuse from my ex-husband continues through plots, plans, manipulations through our twin sons. And unfortunately the courts/lawyers made a very big mistake allowing maximum visitation for my ex-husband, a sociopath.I'd rather not say he's sick, the correct word for him is evil and he continues to be obsessed with me through passive-aggressive behavior. Still comes around my house for fourteen years. Police, lawyers, been there, done that, no good. He lies better than I tell the truth!,my biggest problem. One good thing I can say, it has made me a very strong woman, I'm not bitter,just very hurt. I'm a nurse, and I have great compassion and empathy for my patients and friends, this is the good that has come out of it.
I congratulate all of you regardless in how you have processed the horrible experience of being a victim of spousal abuse. I too, was one, my story is no worse than yours, the emotional pain at the time of being abused, and the emotional pain you struggle with and try to resolve within yourself after. Sometimes this can go on for many years, as one can lose confidence in connecting in a new relationship. Fear of repeating, knowing that you cannot take one more relationship with abuse. I personally am monitoring myself to assess whether I am capable of moving forward into a new relationship after years of psychological, emotional and physical abuse. Unfortunately, it is taking me a long time to heal, as the abuse from my ex-husband continues through plots, plans, manipulations through our twin sons. And unfortunately the courts/lawyers made a very big mistake allowing maximum visitation for my ex-husband, a sociopath.I'd rather not say he's sick, the correct word for him is evil and he continues to be obsessed with me through passive-aggressive behavior. Still comes around my house for fourteen years. Police, lawyers, been there, done that, no good. He lies better than I tell the truth!,my biggest problem. One good thing I can say, it has made me a very strong woman, I'm not bitter,just very hurt. I'm a nurse, and I have great compassion and empathy for my patients and friends, this is the good that has come out of it.
I congratulate all of you regardless in how you have processed the horrible experience of being a victim of spousal abuse. I too, was one, my story is no worse than yours, the emotional pain at the time of being abused, and the emotional pain you struggle with and try to resolve within yourself after. Sometimes this can go on for many years, as one can lose confidence in connecting in a new relationship. Fear of repeating, knowing that you cannot take one more relationship with abuse. I personally am monitoring myself to assess whether I am capable of moving forward into a new relationship after years of psychological, emotional and physical abuse. Unfortunately, it is taking me a long time to heal, as the abuse from my ex-husband continues through plots, plans, manipulations through our twin sons. And unfortunately the courts/lawyers made a very big mistake allowing maximum visitation for my ex-husband, a sociopath.I'd rather not say he's sick, the correct word for him is evil and he continues to be obsessed with me through passive-aggressive behavior. Still comes around my house for fourteen years. Police, lawyers, been there, done that, no good. He lies better than I tell the truth!,my biggest problem. One good thing I can say, it has made me a very strong woman, I'm not bitter,just very hurt. I'm a nurse, and I have great compassion and empathy for my patients and friends, this is the good that has come out of it.
I congratulate all of you regardless in how you have processed the horrible experience of being a victim of spousal abuse. I too, was one, my story is no worse than yours, the emotional pain at the time of being abused, and the emotional pain you struggle with and try to resolve within yourself after. Sometimes this can go on for many years, as one can lose confidence in connecting in a new relationship. Fear of repeating, knowing that you cannot take one more relationship with abuse. I personally am monitoring myself to assess whether I am capable of moving forward into a new relationship after years of psychological, emotional and physical abuse. Unfortunately, it is taking me a long time to heal, as the abuse from my ex-husband continues through plots, plans, manipulations through our twin sons. And unfortunately the courts/lawyers made a very big mistake allowing maximum visitation for my ex-husband, a sociopath.I'd rather not say he's sick, the correct word for him is evil and he continues to be obsessed with me through passive-aggressive behavior. Still comes around my house for fourteen years. Police, lawyers, been there, done that, no good. He lies better than I tell the truth!,my biggest problem. One good thing I can say, it has made me a very strong woman, I'm not bitter,just very hurt. I'm a nurse, and I have great compassion and empathy for my patients and friends, this is the good that has come out of it.
I have been in a verbal abusive relationship for 5 of the 6 year relationship. Didn't realize until I read books to realize what was really happening. But I have become like an addict that can't let go of someone that is hurting me. I break up constantly just to get back together later. Its a sick dance we are doing. I grew up with a father that was verbally abusive to my mother, so I guess that is why I have a hard time letting go. I am an intelligent, educated person, but am very ashamed that I am so weak as to let this man keep coming back to hurt me.
I was verbally abused for 14 years before I finally left my husband. Your article is revolting to me. Verbal abuse may not be intentional? And a man who does this may not realize what he's saying or that he's hurting the person he's abusing? What planet did you come from lady? Get real. Nobody should take verbal abuse for any length of time just like any other type of abuse. I've been divorced for almost 17 years and still trying to sort out my own problems probably brought on by being abused and made to feel worthless for so long.
I need to know everything about this topic. If anyone can reccomend the "latest articles" and professional research I would appreciate it. I need "expert testimony" as well. please email me at
address@removedHappy New Year to all. DianeI need to know every thing I can about this topic. If any one can reccomend the "latest articles" and professional research I would appraciate it. I amy need "expert testimony" as well. Mother of three young girls
I was doing some research on Narcissistic Personality Disorder and I ran across this page. Actually, I was trying to find some pages on the reactions of the abused to their abusers. Diane, I hope you see this. I am writing a book about my ex and his abuse and would like to use your article in the book. Would you please email me at the address associated with this post? I clicked on your name, highlighted, and got an empty page. Thank-you, Brenda