Identifying Relationships That May Lead To Domestic Violence

You’ve read about domestic violence, but you knew that could never happen to you. When you first met he was Prince Charming. He was attentive, hanging on your every word, fascinated by everything you said. He would wait on you, getting you drinks and things, even if you didn’t ask. He would bring you gifts and doing you favors for no apparent reason. Sure he would get a little upset if you turned them down, but he was only trying to help, after all. He wanted to know where you were at all times because he missed you and was concerned for your safety. Are you being courted as a potential soul-mate or being groomed to become his possession?

When did things start to change? It was so gradual you can hardly put an exact time on it. He started to throw out little put downs at you, not really insults, like he was joking. He easily became suspicious and jealous, though you gave him no reason.

This is how domestic violence starts: a slow change from Prince Charming to Mr. Hyde (or Princess Charming to Ms. Hyde). Suddenly there’s an outburst of temper, later followed by a sincere apology and a promise that it will never happen again and we’re back to the “Honeymoon Stage”.

Each time this cycle is repeated it is likely to get worse; the verbal attack escalating to physical violence and the honeymoon stage getting shorter. You know you should leave, but you’re sure each event is the last. By the time you figure out you’re wrong, you know that leaving is not going to be easy. You have been isolated from your family and friends. He has control of all your finances. He knows where you are every minute and if you do leave you know he will go ballistic and when he finds you (he will stalk you) he will make you regret trying to leave.

I have used the male as the bad guy here, this represents the majority of cases, but it can be the other way around. Domestic violence can happen in relationships that are non-traditional heterosexual as well.

The best time to leave would be right after the first paragraph; or at least to seek counseling if you are not convinced. Once you are considered a procession of your partner, leaving the relationship becomes complicated.

These are early signs that a potential partner may become dominating abuser:

• Charm: To charm is a verb not a trait and unsolicited niceness often has a motive.


• Forced Teaming: Statements made to indicate you two are in “the same boat” somehow.


• Too Many Details: He offers too many story details to distract you so you don’t listen to your instinct that this is not safe.


• Typecasting: He throws out a slight insult- your type is too proud to except his help- to snobbish to talk to him to promote continued conversation.


• Loan Sharking: He will somehow help you so you feel indebted to him.
  


• Discounting “No”: He doesn’t take no for an answer- wants to control you.

When one partner displays these symptoms, the relationship is developing into domestic violence:

• Disrespect


• Lying


• Mistrust


• Jealousy


• Blaming


• Insulting


• Controls all decision making


• Isolates partner


• Not in control of temper


• Forces sexual situations


• Controls with fear

If you see yourself in this situation you’ll need to form an exit plan. Each situation is different and you will need some help, either from family and friends or an organization specializing in domestic violence situation. If you stay you may end up with serious injuries or worse.

Click here SelfDefense-4-Women.com for more information about this and women’s self defense.