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When I speak of alcoholism and the alcoholic, you undoubtedly know what I mean. But do you understand what I mean by codependency and the codependent? Do you understand how the alcoholic and codependent can engage in a dance towards destruction?
The relationship between the terms, codependency and codependent, is similar to that between alcoholism and alcoholic. In other words, codependency refers to the disorder or dysfunctional condition, while the term codependent refers to the individual experiencing the problem.
The terms were apparently developed by staff at Minnesota treatment centers for alcoholism or substance abuse in the late 1970′s. As staff worked with the spouses of the alcoholics they were treating, who were in most cases women, they noticed commonalities within these women regarding both their thought patterns and their behaviors. They also saw how these were unhealthy or dysfunctional; they created problems for both these codependent women as well as their alcoholic spouses.
What was one of the concerns of the treatment centers’ staff? The woman displaying codependency seemed to enable her husband’s alcoholism. Rather than let him experience what might be considered natural consequences of his excessive drinking, she might try to predict what problems could occur and then strive to offset or minimize these, she might try and cover up things her alcoholic spouse had done, or she would clean up messes he had created.
Again, the alcoholic did not suffer the consequences he might have, had there not been this codependent wife in the background trying to control a situation that was essentially uncontrollable. By being a good codependent, trying to please her alcoholic spouse by taking responsibility for problems that were not her own, but his instead, she expanded the timetable in which the predictable downward slide of alcoholism would occur.
No, she could not stop it; her alcoholic husband was the only with the power to do that–by ceasing to drink. As long as he allowed alcohol to slide down his throat, that downward spiral would continue on. Indeed, the codependent wife merely delayed the inevitable.
“What’s so bad about that?” you might be inclined to ask if you were here with me. “Maybe she didn’t want to walk away from her life. Perhaps there were enough other good things about it to compensate for the problems associated with his drinking.”
Well, there was a time when I agreed with this thinking. But then, I was the codependent spouse of an alcoholic with an addiction to prescription drugs. And I have to admit, I didn’t want to walk away from my marriage. I had a variety of reasons for this, but in part, it was because I didn’t want to give up what had been a comfortable lifestyle. I also was fearful of my ability to start over again. See, I felt so beaten down by my husband’s emotional abuse and verbal abuse–both which had escalated as his addictions had. With anxiety and depression as my constant companions, how could I land on my feet again?
And so, I acted out my codependency, thus enabling my husband’s addictions to go on, but probably without the same consequences he’d have experienced without a codependent spouse.
I remained oblivious to the fact I was allowing a dance to continue that had negative consequences for us both.
I suppose you could say we were both fortunate because I finally did face my fear; I arranged for an interventionist to come and conduct an intervention. My husband later admitted he was too far down on that downward slide to intervene on his own behalf. He believed then that he would soon die because of his alcoholism and prescription drug abuse. And while he did not favor this, he also realized he was powerless to do anything about it, either.
When I flew up to visit him at the treatment center–that was in Minnesota, by the way–I had an opportunity to talk with staff as part of what was considered a Family Weekend. They told me that if he had not been admitted into treatment when he was, he likely would have been dead within six months. Yes, this could have been the outcome for this forty-eight- year-old, highly intelligent, highly educated, and financially successful professional if I had remained committed to my own codependency and enabling behavior.
But I’m not trying to pat myself on the back here. After all, there is more to the story that is not so nice. See, I had considered conducting an intervention a year and a half earlier. I had even gathered a likely group of people to participate. We had then sat down and talked about the process with an interventionist from a local treatment center.
I didn’t go through with it because of fear, however.
Yes, I was fearful that my husband might not agree to go into treatment. Then, I would feel forced to leave my marriage and my life as I knew it immediately, because that would have been the commitment I’d have made at the
intervention, to stop my enabling behavior.
I would have had to start over right then, and I wasn’t ready to do so. About two and a quarter years later, however, I was–despite the fact my husband was sober. However, the emotional abuse and verbal abuse hadn’t stopped. I wasn’t sure they ever would, either. He might have been willing to give up alcohol, but behaviors I now considered intolerable rolled on.
I was no longer codependent enough to let that dance go on.
How about you? Are you a codependent who is basically postponing the inevitable? And if you are, are you forgetting that there is a downhill slide for him as the alcoholic or addict as well as for you the codependent? You might be able to handle the dance today, but what about tomorrow or the day after that?
Sorry, but when addicts and codependents dance together, things increasingly get out of control. Someone has to say, “This dance is over.”
Can you take a step beyond codependency and do that? Will you prove to yourself and others you intend to be codependent no more and start taking steps to end this destructive dance?
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My husband was an alcoholic the entire life of our marriage. He died an alcholic from liver failure close to two years ago. I stayed with him for well over 20 years while he had a daily drinking problem. It was a hard life while it lasted - and now I miss him terribly. I would give just about anything to see him again. I know it is hard to live with a man who is drinking all the time, or vice versa, living with any alcoholic is not a picnic for anyone. It is a life threatening disease that does kill, in the end. It is all so sad and a horrible waste. Alcoholic Husband
How do you stop the dance? It does not stop that easily. We are trapped and they know it. My alcoholic husband is trying to stop drinking but still falters. He still believes I am ruining our family. I can't let him touch me again, he tells me he can't live without sex. This is what is boils down to for him, SEX. He has the nerve to ask for it when he has always told me how bad it is. I know the only way to escape this horrible life is to get him out of it. So, so very hard to do.
i am a codependent, 4 kids, and have been verbally and emotionally abused for years. husband refuses to admit he has a drinking/gambling/lying problems and never takes responsibility for his behavior. just wants make up sex without any remorse for his horrible words. he is doing this in front of the kids. and they are being affected, as i am. i can't stand the thought of him ever touching me and have told him that i will not give in to giving him sex any longer. i want the marriage to end but am very afraid how i will swing it financially. is it normal for me not to want to have sex with him and not to be in love with him? he blames all on my failure to have a proper relationship with him over the past years/lack of sex/attention. we have been married 16 yrs, the kids are 15, 12, 9, and 2. i am so tired from all i do day to day that by the end of the day, i feel exhausted. he thinks i don't do much and i am selfish. i work part time, take care of the kids, the house, a small horse farm, very active in children's sporting events, cook, clean, homework, etc. i barely have time for myself. how do i get this to end?? am i right not to give him sex any longer?? everytime i give in, the drinking and abuse starts within a few days/week again. it is the same cycle and he never gets better.
I can identify with the pain ur going through.I am an alcoholic ,and codependent. I WAS or AM involved with an alcoholic[ chronic] , not intimately anymore, but occasional meeting's that always ends disasterous. I do not want to be with him and yet if he's gone i get in such a state. I am not drinking but he has been drinking around me for the last 3 year's. I only discovered recently that im codependent ,im having councilling for a number of years now. I was also sexually abused alot of my childhood. Would like to talk to u again. Take Care of u'r self.
I can identify with the pain ur going through.I am an alcoholic ,and codependent. I WAS or AM involved with an alcoholic[ chronic] , not intimately anymore, but occasional meeting's that always ends disasterous. I do not want to be with him and yet if he's gone i get in such a state. I am not drinking but he has been drinking around me for the last 3 year's. I only discovered recently that im codependent ,im having councilling for a number of years now. I was also sexually abused alot of my childhood. Would like to talk to u again. Take Care of u'r self.
Hello again. I am a codependent and would like you to pray for me and my 8 yr old son. Thank You so much. Anne
I dont know where to begin, I was in 12 different foster homes,abused sexually, mentally and physically. I now have been married for 22 yrs to an alcoholic, whom has heart disease, hepatitis c and liver damage. We have a 24 yr old son, 23 yr old daughter (these are his step children whom he did raise since 1 and 2 yrs of age). we now are raising our 8 yr old son. I have made him leave so many times, because of his drinking and pill abuse. I have even went to the point of praying and GOD sent me Drs for us (because we have no medical insurance) and he will not stop, even the drs have told him "It is your choice, to quit and live longer or to continue and die sooner". The last drs have dropped him because he will not stop. he is 50 yrs old and I am sick of seeing him continue to kill himself. Please Help, I want out, but dont have the finances to do so, where do i start this time? I know he loves me and I love him but am so lonely and hurt. He is suppossed to be taking heart medicines and was on lexapro, but abused these also, and now he has no medicines for his heart, I thought about seeing if i could get him in a clinic somewhere, but then I think why for? He is a good man who is still barely trying to work, loves his family but is so ---- sick, what do I do? Where we are living is a rental duplex and my name is the only name on the lease (this place is where I found when I left him 4 yrs ago), and then let him back, in hoping things would change. I have been to Alonon programs (for 1 yr). He will not go anywhere for help. What do I do? I told him the last time I let him come back that the next time I was not going to put his belongings out, that he would have to do it. I have built my home since being here, but now I am thinking it is maybe time for me to leave and hoping deep within that I can manage to get the finances to be able to do so. I am so tired of hurting from his drunkness, his stabbing words, his cockiness attitude, his abuse. Married, but Lonely and hurt. Anne
I am a codependent. This story is like a page out of my daily life. I have to stop the dance. Please pray for me & my 7 year old son. I never realized my role in his addiction. It makes me SICK.