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You were looking for a white knight. You thought you’d found him, too. But that was yesterday, and yesterday is gone. Now you lament that he doesn’t bring you flowers anymore.
Whatever happened? you ask yourself. After all, he came on like a hurricane. You were probably blown over from day one, isn’t that so?
It is easy to slip on blinders when some handsome man with seemingly so much going for him suddenly wants to see you all the time. And then, there were undoubtedly romantic dinners, those flowers, and extravagant gifts that seemed a bit much because of the newness of your relationship. Nonetheless, you likely accepted them because he had some reason why you should.
Because he was being so nice and so thoughtful, you didn’t want to hurt his feelings, either. Besides, everything seemed just oh so right.
Until it seemed all so wrong instead.
If you have kept asking yourself what went wrong, perhaps nothing did–at least not to your husband’s way of thinking. See, you might have married this man before he had time to remove his mask or show you his true colors.
I suspect you’re sure seeing them now, however.
Sorry, but if you are married to a man who has Narcissistic Personality Disorder or NPD, or who displays unhealthy levels of narcissism even if he doesn’t match the number of criteria required to be diagnosed with this personality disorder, he might have intentionally created a facade or persona to reel you in.
That was his sole intent.
He knew how to seduce you. In fact, did you enjoy great sex in those early days? Now, though, it might be practically nonexistent or else abusive. Well, he also might be quite the Don Juan, continuing to seduce other women despite being married to you.
Do I dare say you have met the enemy, and the enemy is your husband?
Oh, I know. That isn’t how you see him despite everything he puts you through. Indeed, despite the fact this man now shouts obscenities at you regularly, you probably make excuses for his bad behavior, don’t you?
You want to cling to the image he presented in the beginning. Hey, I understand. Once, I was exactly in the same place you likely are today. I’m not condemning you, certainly.
I suspect you are a lovely woman, and it is because you are a lovely woman that your husband, assuming he is indeed a narcissistic man, was attracted to you in the first place. He probably suspected you were the codependent type who would bend over backwards to please him. Yes, you would forfeit your own needs and desires while he battered you with his emotional abuse and verbal abuse.
It is probably because you are a caring and empathic person that you have trouble seeing the truth about your relationship, too.
I know, you certainly don’t see him as the enemy, but instead, as the man you still love with all your heart. Nevertheless, he might well see you as the enemy despite the fact you do everything he ever asks.
Be honest here. Do you tell yourself that if you could only be better yet, things would be okay? Do you blame yourself for the fact he is not pleased–and secretly believe he has the right to belittle you because, indeed, you let him down once again when he was trying so hard to trust you?
Sorry, what he feeds you is a bunch of bull. However, because you have stood there silently and allowed his verbal abuse and emotional abuse to wound you time and time again, he might well believe you’ve proven that indeed, you are a fool who deserves anything he slings your way.
He doesn’t bring you flowers anymore, does he? But if he did, he might be prone to bring flowers wilted and dying. After all, they would best symbolize the state of your relationship and his feelings for you.
They also probably symbolize how your husband feels inside. Narcissists often have this sensation of a big hole within. Nothing they do fills it up, however. The alcoholism, drug addiction, or sex addiction might seem to help at first, but then addictions usually turn on the addict and make him feel even worse about himself. And of course, they can feed the verbal abuse and emotional abuse, too. Well, you might also find yourself the victim of sexual abuse.
It can be difficult to take off the blinders you are invariably wearing and stare the truth hard in the face.
By the way, when was the last time you saw a bouquet of flowers? And really, were they a gift from the heart or merely a gift from his manipulative nature?
Let me ask you something; How can you expect to have a relationship with a man who professes it is better to be feared than loved?
Maybe you’ve never heard your husband say exactly that. I know I did, but nonetheless, I didn’t want to believe it. Well, I should have.
You should, too, if you ever have occasion to hear those words. And then remind yourself how long it has been since your narcissistic spouse has come bearing flowers and gifts–including just the gift of kind and empathic words.
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I can't believe that I've spent almost 30 yrs with this narcissist. The first 20 yrs were mostly okay, but then we were working. Now we're both retired and I'm his main source of attention. I was teaching a program called "Roots of Empathy," and then it dawned on me that what I was missing was empathy from him. After my Mom died and I couldn't provide him with his needed attention he sought it elsewhere - community projects where he got a lot of public attention. Meanwhile our home was like a workplace, not the comforting santuary I needed in my grief. I'm a nurse and a supportive, empathetic, accepting person. But now I feel so used. Now I feel I've been so co-dependent. Am planning to get out - have been trying for 3 years & have left for periods, but always get sucked back in. I realize I must get out soon. Any tips from others?
My husband left me a month ago, he has left us twice before and fathered a child while I was pregnant with our youngest daughter, I believed the excuses,and accepted him back twice (bit worried about why I did!) but this time he blames me for everything, dont know how I feel, he is so good at reminding me of the things that I have said and done wrong, I'm trying to process everything in my marriage for the past 6 years (been married 16years all in) trying to figure out if I am to blame, I forgave him for the things that he done, he recently told me that I made his life misery the past 3 years (my mum passed away) he keeps going on and on and on about this, I was through the other end of this and he just keeps going on and on and on, this is the big reason he said he left. We just recently went out and we were all having fun, we have the pictures to prove this then in front of my eldest daughter accused me of eying up someone! My daughter was devastated by his comments it was so out the blue, my whole body went into breakdown, it reminded me so much of the past with him, I could go on writing forever, I in total shock and disbelief that he has done it for the 3rd time I really didnt see it coming feel like fool.
If you have supportive family and friends by all means call on them to help you through this. Start doing things for yourself to build your self-esteem (it probably took a beating in this relationship). Believe in yourself and picture yourself in a better place mentally, emotionally, and physically. Seek therapy if you feel you need to..this is a sign of strength. Good luck to you... L.
Roland a Narc as you put it is only interested in pleasing himself/ herself. Love is word used to entrap. I read Susie's comment and I wondered why woman believe these men love us- Or may be they don't.
You know I can't help and wonder if I'm a narcissist myself. While I think based on what I've covered so far, the term is far to general. I'll take responsibility for my actions that may parallel it's definition. (now)I'm trying to figure out it's been a facade for 23 yrs. I did and still do love my wife. However I'm having a hard time understanding our relationship. Does that make me a Narc? I'll admit I don't want to believe it but, if so help me understand.
I just ended a 7 year relationship with the worst narcissist ever alive. I did things with and for this man that now that I've stepped out of the relationship realize how absolutely stupid I am...but know what? I still love him and I still want so desperately to be with him...is that not sick! I DON'T want to feel this way...he is toxic...why? why? can't I help myself to move forward...I am a wonderful person but I pine away for him...we've been broken up for 8 months...but while I was still living with him he had all sorts of affairs. The last one before I left came to our home twice demanding to speak with him...evidently she was more addicted to him than me. He set himself up quite nicely. He's married, then he had me living with him and then he had this other woman banging on the door. Not to mention his swinging profile on the net. I need help...someone please help me.
OMG (oh My God) I read this and wondered the same thing... I think there are some very good qualities to being a narcissis- it is only when it becomes a disorder that it is bad. My x, bless him is sick! He is addicted to pleasing himself and he has lost the ability to please other people. His lastest "partner" is a sign of his addiction.
It seems true for me as well, although my situation is not so black and white... I can't remember the last time i bought him something either and so i think it goes both ways. is it possible to have 2 narcissistic people in 1 relationship. what a mess!
This was my life. I meet my hsbamd at uni. He was everything and more. Then the sex addiction set in. He would pump (literally) his cock to a werid shape and photgraph it and put the photos all of the net. Now he has run off with another lover... But this one is ugly- clearly she is willing to put up with more than I was. What worries me is I have two sons to this man- he hasn't spoke to them for years... Can you relate? Ness
I can so relate to your story. After a little over two years with a handsome knight in shining armor, his true colors started to show up when his ego wasn't getting feed 24/7. And he has stated that he would rather be feared then loved. After researching more on narcissistic personality disorder I have been able to understand its not me anymore and have walked away for this relationship.
Hello! Very Interesting post! Thank you for such interesting resource! PS: Sorry for my bad english, I'v just started to learn this language ;) See you! Your, Raiul Baztepo