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It’s been proven that the second marriage divorce rate is statistically higher than that of first marriages because of a few simple, yet critical mistakes that many people make when they enter their second marriage.
Psychology Today stated that a whopping 60% of remarriages fail. And they do so even more quickly; after an average of 10 years, 37% of remarriages have dissolved versus 30% of first marriages.
If anything can be learned from this, it is the fact that you need to enter a second marriage with CAUTION. Here are some tips that will help you make sure that your second marriage is a success…
Make Sure You REALLY Know Who You’re Marrying.
Be sure that YOUR beliefs are in line with your spouse’s. By beliefs, I’m not only talking about religion. I’m also talking about your partner’s beliefs about making and saving money, disciplining children, daily love & affection, sex, household chores and even social beliefs.
It is opposite beliefs on subjects like these that will quickly put your relationship on the fast track to divorce.
In your hunger to find new love, you may be tempted to idealize life with your fiance and ignore the discussion of opposite beliefs that could cause conflict in your marriage.
But believe me; if you do this and find out later on in your marriage that you and your spouse have completely opposite beliefs, you will be in a WORLD of hurt and pain. Don’t make the same mistakes you did in your first marriage. Discuss these issues NOW. Don’t wait because you don’t want to spoil the mood.
Create a check list of issues that led to your last divorce
Based on your last marriage, write down every little thing you and your ex fought about throughout your marriage. Did you struggle with jealousy issues even though your spouse gave you no reason to be suspicious?
Did you and your ex struggle with money problems in your marriage?
Make a list of all the issues that contributed to your last divorce and see whether or not those issues could spring up again in your second marriage.
Type out the list and use it as a way to discuss your beliefs about each of the issues and how you think that subject should be handled in your second marriage. Be sure to include issues that are not typical like landscape maintenance, vacations and work ethic.
Those may seem like insignificant issues right now, but it is better to get everything out into the open BEFORE you are married. You don’t want these issues to cause problems in your marriage later on.
Don’t Rush Into Marriage Because You’re Blinded By Love.
Research shows that the possibility of a second divorce greatly increases if you’ve been in a relationship with a person for less than a year. Don’t think this research does not apply to you. As difficult as it may be to accept, these ARE the facts.
It has also been proven that both men and women want to be married and connected regardless of the misery they suffered in their last marriage. Loneliness can drive anyone to seek relief in their second marriage and few people are thinking straight when they remarry too quickly.
The burning desire to not be lonely creates such a hunger that rational thought becomes an irritating nuisance. Though you may not want to hear it now, romance is a very powerful drug. It will keep you in a trance like state right up until the moment you say I dofor the second time.
And once you’re married, you’ll notice that the romance you once felt gradually gets replaced with the predictability of married life. So just remember, don’t fall into the trap of thinking that the romance in your relationship will continue to last forever.
Romance is just not practical in marriage due to busy schedules, children and the monotony of daily life. At the very least, just remember to keep a clear head during your pre-marriage time with your partner.
Honestly Look at What Caused Your Last Divorce.
The first question you must ask yourself is can you be honest with yourself? Can you see that it was NOT one issue or one person that caused your last divorce?
It’s true. There is not ONE person that causes a divorce. Instead, it is the clash of two OPPOSITE value systems that drives people to divorce. Two opposite value or belief systems can cause a variety of problems in a marriage like:
- Infidelity
- Over-sensitivity
- Lack of intimacy
- Excessive fighting
- Confusing and unclear communication
- Not enough quality time due to busy schedules
- Unsolvable children issues
- Inability to find the real source of conflicts
It is important to find out which issues caused conflict in your last marriage so that you can openly discuss them with your fiance. WARNING: Do NOT get carried away with the painful details of your last marriage.
The conversation with your fiance should NOT be about bashing your ex husband or wife, but instead about eliminating potential conflicts in your new marriage. Your fiance does not need to know ALL the details, just your viewpoint on your values in life. (i.e. money management, religion, family values, etc.)
CLEARLY Understand Your Expectations of Each Other.
It is important to go into a marriage with a clear understanding of what your needs are. Men and women’s expectations surprisingly are different, so be sure to talk openly and honestly about these needs BEFORE you get married the second time around.
For instance, if you need one night out of the week to be with your friends just to break up the routine of things, let your partner know this BEFORE you are married. It is this kind of open communication that leads to successful second marriages.
If you REALLY want to beat the odds of the second marriage divorce rate and make this time around a success, you MUST understand the CRITICAL role that your and your fiance’s belief systems take on in a marriage.
Once you do, when conflicts emerge in your marriage, you’ll be able to resolve them quickly and effectively, with no hard feelings on either side.
Want a positive alternative to marriage counseling to help you gain a sense of hope for your marriage during the very first phone call? Visit marriage counselors in wisconsin to get a free, 45 min consultation to help you get your marriage back on track…whether you live in Wisconsin…or on the other side of the world.
[...] whole world scrutinize your decisions. In reading, various articles on remarriages, including this one, it reminded me of why I’m single (aka competent loner as one article called it. Sheesh). In [...]
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Your article was very frustrating like many articles claiming to have the reasons for why marriages fail, because it never addresses the issues of one spouse controlling, or being emotionally abusive, not helping with and/or supporting the other's health needs and the health issues of their children; creating a blaming environment or a good cop/bad cop environment to the children. These are the LEGITIMATE reasons for getting divorced, and they are not addressed enough. Bloggers and professionals spend so much time on the needless divorces leaving someone like me without very many supportive resources. Since my divorce, my family (2 children and me) are much happier; my children (15 and 12) see how the past dynamic was destroying us. They see this because their father continues to not meet the needs of his children in the way a loving, selfless man does. (One child has a chronic illness and must be on a restrictive diet, that during the marriage, he refused to learn how to provide for her). Lest anyone get a wrong picture here, this is not some slacker schlump. This is a successful VP in the financial services industry who had beautiful children and wife, and sabotaged it all. Lots of therapy has been very freeing and my children are pleased that their mother is so much more relaxed now, and I am pleased that my children treat me with more respect and love. Try to put something out there with a little more meat. Thank you.
I find the issues you list as exactly what the article was saying - one partner thinks that they are right and does not allow themselves to be wrong. one spouse controlling - maybe you look at it as control, where the other one looks at it as responsibility. being emotionally abusive - most likely you both are, but then again maybe you are perfect. not helping with and/or supporting - Did both of you work? or, did you just ride the coattails of the successful VP, and not value his work to keep the family together. creating a blaming environment - look in the mirror good cop/bad cop environment to the children - men are always the bad cop, right? so sad to see that people can't look at their own faults, and just want to blame, blame, blame.
marilyn, The marriages that began from adultery have 0 chance. i'm in a second marriage, uh, third, and it sucks worse than the first and second. The second one would have worked had we bothered to compromise. The first one was a bust.
I am in a second marriage and am slowly witnessing its deterioration. My husband and I have been together 6 years (3.5 of them married). Although he was always somewhat of a night owl, he was asleep by 1 or 1:30am, and always up by 9 or 9:30am the next morning. Since his business has nosedived in this economic recession, and in conjunction with a falling out he had with his children after the holidays, his bedtime has become later and later to a point where he is just going to bed when I am getting up for work. I believe he never fully came to grips with some of the issues from his previous life, most especially the estrangement from his children. When I met him, he was happy, lively and seemed to be in a place of acceptance. He was also diagnosed with cancer 8 months into our marriage (okay for now), and the medical issues coupled with the financial problems and the children's issues have been more than he can bear. He is on antidepressants and seeing a counselor, but he now admits to me he should have never proposed marriage until his problems were resolved. They say one should learn from marital errors, but for the life of me, I can't really figure out where I have gone wrong. Had I observed any of this prior, I'm sure I would have reconsidered. He still tells me he loves me everyday, but since we hardly see each other anymore, this can hardly be called a real marriage. He tells me he just can't crawl out of his skin. If I felt that I had failed him as a wife in anyway, I would own up to my shortcomings. I feel the demise of this marriage was truly out of my control.
I disagree with the part about romance going out of a relationship after you get married.. That's only if you let it.
GO HOME Nancy! If your husband is there for you or not, start praying for God to heal your marriage. He can do grand things if we ask him. I am standing for my marriage, I love my husband now more than ever since I now have Jesus as the center of my life. I've found so much encouragement online, go to www.rejoiceministries.org God Bless you!
Irene as am I (standing 3 years). Crazily, I love my wife more than I ever did.
This article is very helpful. I am in a relationship and that is such helpful advice and I think couples get blinded by love and they dont consider the fact that they need to be rational. I totally respect the one year rule. I realize that my boyfriend and I are just now learning about one another and its been 9 months. So, I feel that once couples remove their veils and ask those questions and really learn the truth about one another than it will help in the communication process that is forming of a great partnership.
I am ashamed to say that my first AND second marriages did not work out. There is no blame: I made just bad choices and ignored the red flags (1st was unemployed alcholic, 2nd abusive). I have one daughter from my first marriage who is TOTALLY enraged at me because I've failed and "put her through h--" by divorcing twice. She is now grown. After 2 years single and alone again, I can't believe I am dating someone who seems nice and there are no "red flags"..so far. Marriage? NEVER AGAIN. I don't deserve another chance. Not with my track record. Maybe I am punishing myself for my wrong-doings but I feel that now after 2 failed marriages, I'm ruined. Why ruin someone else's life too? Just Google "second marriage". The stats prove it. It doesn't work. No more marriage for me. What's the point?
after falling in love with a wonderful woman who gave me hope of a solid marraige after my first one left me in anguish due to her infidelity, i started never so happy. After seven years of highs and lows the lows have been the norm. i live with her kids and mine are an hour away. she has not accepted them consciously into our world together and the bitter resentment has ensued ever since. i have found myself angry and in the middle from what my wife started and now my kids grown have finished. i am entrenched in her family and its daily life and i cant keep a smile on anylonger. After months of counseling i was told we are not sharing in each others problems. When i have tried to bring that to the table i was shot down and more fighting erupted..no action is ever taken, just alot of words with intent. i am ready to leave now, tired, disappointed and confused. She is a stubborn girl who cant change. I know it takes two to tango but i believe in action and not just words. Any last minute ideas to save my second marriage? I already am starting to mourn it. I would rather not be another statistic. I need real ideas, not just go to counseling. We tried that. The counselor knows where i stand.
Eddie, I feel your pain. I told my 2nd wife this weekend I wanted a divorce. She lives with me and my 3 children from my first marriage. She was never married, has no kids. I don't believe I was ready to remarry, and I don't believe she was prepared to raise non-biological children. We have the work fights with regularity. She does not apologize, is never wrong, etc. She thinks we should seek counseling. I don't believe it will help. I am mentally and emotionally gone.
Can completely relate to this. I am in the same situation, I divorced after 12 years of marriage to be with a women who was a complete opposite to my wife. I remarried almost immediately, thinking at the time that I had finally found what was missing in my life. Big mistake, I knew I was in trouble as early as the honeymoon. We were very different people, different religions, different cultures, different back grounds. I thought I could change myself, start over, become a different person. Honestly, it doesn't work. You just end up resenting all the little things you used to enjoy but have given up. The sweet, caring person I thought I married, turned out to be a controlling, stubborn, my way or the highway person who had absolutely no understanding, let alone compassion, for anyone outside herself and her immediate family. The fog of love works on both parties, I ignored the differences, or believed I could change myself to become a different person and she saw me as an answer to her loneliness, a chance to have a family of her own. After 6 years, we are separated and will likely split. Had we really taken the time to get to know each other as we really were, determined if we could find a middle ground in which our differences could be balanced against our positives, we would likely not have married or at the least better understood what we were getting into. If I can give any advice to anyone, it's just this. Think first, take your time, get to know the person, give it enough time to see the good and the bad. If your not sure, don't do it. If you think, "it's better then being alone", don't do it, if you think, "she will make me a better person", don't do it. Life is short, it's better to not screw it up by getting divorced......
Hi John - your story sounds eerily like my own! I think I will be following down the road of divorce once more.
HELP!!!!!!! I remarried for the second time with the feeling and love that was so strong that we thought we were soulmates. Problem is: I left my five children (all grown) and all my friends for him and moved over 600 miles. Now I feel it was all a mistake, and all I can think about is moving back. It has only been a year, and everyone keeps telling me to give it more time. But how will I feel once the grandkids start coming. HELP!!!!
Go Home! The heart is deceitful. Take a rational look at what you wrote. You left your children. The husband of your youth. All that you knew and your friends. All those things you used to hold close to your heart. You made a decision based on feelings and emotions. Seek the Lord with a contrite heart and go home to your family.
Marriage is a gamble. It has now rules. You can take all the precautions you want, you can analyze and overanalyze, listen to your feelings or ignore them, at the end it is a gamble. No one will know whether your marriage will end divorce or not, whether that is going to be in your first year or in your 23 year, or even in 50 years. Just heard of a man who divorced at the age of 80.
I would say the percentage of people who "get married in the mid to late twenties, have "education and money", are on the same page, were in love when they got married and are still in love, have the same ideals to raising children, get along with one anothers' families, and stay married for more than 35 years is an extreme minority of the US population. That is an impossible list of hurdles to even come close to completing. So when people say you should live like that I get upset because it pretty much upsets a lot of people. It's bullshi t. I would say try to be a decent person first, then do whatever the hell makes you happy. Unless you are in the perfect model category, and if you are then make sure your spouse doesn't find your antidepressents and prozac you probably take in the first place.
I would say the percentage of people who "get married in the mid to late twenties, have "education and money", are on the same page, were in love when they got married and are still in love, have the same ideals to raising children, get along with one anothers' families, and stay married for more than 35 years is an extreme minority of the US population. That is an impossible list of hurdles to even come close to completing. So when people say you should live like that I get upset because it pretty much upsets a lot of people. It's bullshi t. I would say try to be a decent person first, then do whatever the hell makes you happy. Unless you are in the perfect model category, and if you are then make sure your spouse doesn't find your antidepressents and prozac you probably take in the first place.
I am now married (for the second time) but separated and its been 6mo of the separation. What I have found to be true is exactly what is in this article, I did not evaluate TOTALLY why my first marriage led to divorce. I knew my issues but didnt look at those to see if this marriage would work out. I did not give myself time to heal and discover my own true self. That love feeling was so very overwhelming, and I thought I found "the right person". He may still be it, but I have to work on me first, then I can love another fully. I am taking time to myself, not interested in dating, which is the best thing for many to do-not fall into the trap again until you can love yourself without validation from another. You will be able to accept another's love that way. I believe we all want to share our life with another, but until we love our life by ourself, it will always be conflicted. My last comment will be, once you have entered your 20's, people do not change personality traits, they may grow with living life and its experiences but men/women do not change, so you love the person that is because of who they are, not the potential of who they can become, dont set yourself up for HUGE disappointments when they dont reach their potential.
This is my second marriage going thru a separation right now, i feel very upset, hurt, confused, i don't want to be alone again. I don't know what to do i'm so depressed i'm trying to see to start on counseling. I feel that i lost everything my dreams with him......
I used to think divorce was a foreign concept something other people did. I do agree though that one should find out what values the other person holds and I think attitude is crucial too. Also don't downplay the negatives be honest with yourself because the things that really bother you but you push to the back of your head and tell yourself you can tolerate could easily be the things that bring you to misery. If he/she hates your friends and doesn't fancy your family when you are dating then you'd better get used to it. If he/she has an annoying habit of deflating your dreams or not being able to share happiness with you in your successes then don't expect that to change. I thought it would get better in my case. I thought the things that I saw as minor would disappear or lessen with time. I saw in my potential wife at the time a good woman who would make a good mother and a person who had overcame adversity and while all those things were indeed true she was also a very bitter insecure woman who harbored resentment for her father and often carried that over to men in general. While there are never any perfect situations. It is better not to delude yourself with romantic feelings and great sex that all the dark blemishes in yours and your future spouses life will disappear after marriage because they will not.
Boy, "George" nailed it on the head. Know not just your lover, but your lover's family, too. Especially if that entails kids, ex-spouses, etc. My relationship was humming along, and then it was like, "well, we should meet the kids." And then it came to be "well, we need to eventually meet the ex-husband, too, who might be hanging around because of the kids." Ah, yeah. In any case, everyone has skeletons in their closets -- some more than others.
No divorce is caused by one person? Tell that to someone like me whose husband was an alcoholic and refused to do anything about it, as well as gambling away all his pay every week. With generalisations such as that, I'll take the rest of this article with a grain of salt
I agree. I was married to a man for 16 years that was abusive, controlling, and had constant affairs. I lived in fear everyday and it took me several tries to finally succeed in leaving him. And then finally getting the divorce. I know I am not perfect but I am pretty sure I had little to do with why our marriage ended.
I do want to add though that I did think this article was insightful. I believe that in normal relationships, that do not involve issues such as mine, that each person in the relationship shares responsibility for a divorce/separation.
Did you drink? My bet is the money ran out.
Everything you said in this article is the truth and great advice. I want to add something. For anyone contemplating a second marriage, don't underestimate how hard it will be to live with each others kids. I never really got to know my wife's son before we got married. He went off to college and before that wasn't around much when I was there. He quit college shortly after we married and moved in. I really hated living with him. It caused alot of problems. And she didn't care much for my teen aged son either. It has been a sore point in our marriage. So remember this, you are not just marrying each other, you are marrying each others families. Make sure you fully know what you are getting into.
I just want to know if love is out there. My husband and I clearly misrepresented ourselves when we were dating. 12 years later, with two children, we are planning to divorce. We're very friendly about it, but we are so incredibly different. Our families are having a fit. They say that if we can get along as friends, we should stay together for the sake of the children. What do you think? Our marriage counselor says that if either one of us would be unsatisfied with a loveless marriage, than we should not stay just for the kids. Is love out there? Am I fooling myself that someone will ever actually love me? Should I hold on to "friendly", even if he has no real emotional ties to me? He certainly can't give me the love I want. He doesn't want to change and I respect that. We just don't want to screw up our kids any more than is necessary. I'm a loving person. Does love that lasts really even exist?
I hear you Leena. I am in a loveless and friendly relationship with my husband and we have been married only for 2 years! I don't have the courage to walk out ever, but am sure love does exist somewhere. I might not be able to find it, but love might find me someday. Have the faith... you will find love walking up to you when you would least expect it!
I met a man, fell in love, and we got married after approx. 11 month of dating. Signing that marriage license was as if something had flipped a switch in his head and an equal relationship turned into "your my wife and have to do as I say" within a very short period of time. In our first year of marriage the police came to our house/once the hospital thrice. If he couldn't get his way verbally, he was quick to be violent. He ran up credit card bills excessively, usually in my name not his, gambled, drank, and hated life. my family's attitude was that it was my marriage and my problem. Three years into our marriage I wanted kids. Don't ask me why..he announced that it would be okay, as long as I understood that they would be solely my responsibility and he would never have anything to do with him. After that comment we basically never had sex again, because I didn't want to risk getting pregnant. So now I was in a loveless and sexless marriage and still didn't leave. It took another three years of living like that, him cheating multiple times and continuing his abusive behavior. But believe me once I got out it felt like weights just dropped off my chest and life was finally worth living again. You shouldn't just throw a marriage away, but if you know in your heart that this won't work out, don't waste your life staying in it even if the relationship is friendly. To some extend mine worked too. My therapist called it "comfortable living arrangement". I don't know you, but just the fact that you posted this speaks volumes. Leave, you'll be happier and eventually you will find love again. You definitely won't find new love if you hang on to the relationship, because you also don't want a guy who's fine with dating you while you're still married. Hope this helps.
I relate to what this person is saying because I have been in a "comfortable living arrangement" for 17 years.
I like the idea of planning a divorce. It is highly admirable of you to include your spouse, for the sake of the children - and not run out based on heated argument. Sit down and have a conversation about what's best for the kids, and do not use them as pawns. It is so selfish when a spouse takes off with the kids and uses them, turns them against the other spouse, only to gain more money.
It's not a case of 'beating-the-odds', it's a case of listening to your own opinion without the 'love-goggles' on. When I first married I always had the feeling of 'Is this right?', 'Am I doing the right thing?', 'Should I feel so uneasy?' I put this down to nerves, but should have known better. When I came to marry a second time I had none of those feelings, it just felt right without reservation. I tried to find reasons why I should not marry and found none. I tried to find everything about her annoying - didn't work. We were engaged for six years before our big day. Another ten years on and we have a son and are still very happy. Now I have made you very ill with my story, just follow your own advice! If it feels wrong but you don't know why then wait and try to discover the problem first. Be hard on yourself and very truthful no matter how painful. If it's wrong then end it. When you can finally say 'there every reason to marry and nothing in me or my potential partner that is in doubt' then go for it.
I am so happy for you, and you are an inspiration. Thanks for some encouraging words
Great advise! I'm going to heed it, thank you.
Henderson learned a lot from that marriage. I agree that people of both genders will misrepresent who they are in order to help a relationship succeed. I don't think this is an intentional, malicious act, it seems to come very naturally to us all. I will add that occasionally in life, we have the opportunity to get to know someone as a dear friend, without dating them or trying to impress them. And I must say that when one falls in love that way, through a purely natural process of knowing and enjoying that person's company, nothing else can compare and the certainty of that love is a benchmark with which to measure other relationships. Don't give up!
The Author of this writing over estimates the honesty of most people while dating! I am a very analytical person (even while dating), going over all the critical issues of "where my date is headed" compared to "where I am headed". After a basic year of dating (before marriage) and 17 1/2 years of marriage with that person, I realized most people are very dishonest in how they represent themselves (while seriously dating). The female gender especially (due to "gender culture" issues) are more apt to misrepresent their positions on the very issues the Author makes note of. As analytical as I am (thoroughly going over them all... even repeatedly) she turned out to be very different than she represented. Note: Part of the problem was her former husband was killed in an automobile accident (using me to fill a void rather than true love). She admitted these conclusions to me 15 years into the marriage and after having 3 kids together (she never loved me but wanted to learn to love me... but never did). She wanted to start her life over again and Filed for Divorce. Why? Because I remained the same person she was originally infatuated with, not willing to change into my opposite (like she turned out to be)! CONCLUSION: What one says and represents during premarriage dating (in most cases) are "Mere Words and Acting", due to the infatuation of the moment! In most cases "YOU WILL NEVER KNOW WHO YOU ARE MARRYING UNTIL AFTER THE MARRIAGE... ON A VERY BIG SCALE"! "Words Are Very Cheap"! Ask all you want, analyse all you want, in most cases one does not have a clue until they get into the marriage... and then it can be too late!
Larry! Strong words. I am not sure it is that black and white. Everything fades with time but strap in for a whole lot of venom spitting! Do what I do, move about 20 miles away and maintain what I call "minimum safe distance" from the blast zone. And you Larry, mellow my friend or you are going to have a thrombo sport!
Boy, I agree with John and although I don't agree with Marilyn and her fiance's behavior, you Larry have major issues with women! I noticed all of your strong, hateful disdain was towards the woman in this situation. She is/was not committing adultry, he is. See someone about your problem with the female gender.
marilyn, you are a hooker, no more, no less. what makes you think he wont find an affair on the side when you are the main woman. neither one of you have good fundamentals. people like you should remian single forever and not taint the gene pool with your slutty, dishonest behavior
I have been living with my fiance for 1 year now waiting for his divorce to be final. He left his wife to be with me. We were having an affair for 5 years before that. I have one daughter who lives with us. He has three children who are very angry about the break up of their family. What are our chances of having our second marriage work?