What to Do when He’s Dressed for the Holidays in Narcissism, Addictions, and Abuse

Are the holidays tough for you because you are married to a man who could easily be the poster child for my website about narcissism, addictions, and abuse? If this is the case, know you are not alone out there. However, please realize something else, too: You have not caused your husband’s alcoholism or verbal abuse, though he might loudly proclaim your behavior drove him to it.

And just as you didn’t cause his behavior, you can’t put a stop to it, either. Your husband must take responsibility for his own behavior. He has to take actions to change it–and then keep taking actions to keep it changed, too.

Why am I bothering to remind you that you’re not responsible for your husband’s behavior? Because when you are codependent–which I suspect you just might be–your identity is apt to get all wrapped up in your spouse and your marriage. And if your husband is what I call a financially successful narcissist, you might be particularly concerned because you don’t want him to go to Christmas parties, act out, and destroy the image others have of him as that successful businessman or professional–or perhaps the two of you as a perfect couple with the perfect family and the perfect life.

Are you worried that people might shun you if they knew your dirty little secrets?

You need to start thinking differently. Sure, some people may judge you because of your spouse and his behavior. Forget about them. Perhaps you have heard the saying, “Whatever you think of me is none of my businesses.” If you can take that to heart, you will find more peace of mind as you go about being the person you know yourself to be–or whom you are striving to become, at least–versus allowing yourself to be defined by the actions of another whom you can not control.

Okay, you can control if you are married to a man who acts the way your husband does. That might be a question worth pondering, if the type of woman you intend to be now or in the future would have such a man as her husband. But until you are ready to seriously think about that question, answer it honestly, and take action based on that answer, you might focus more on the person you want to be and worry less about the type of person your husband is being.

As I write this, I am reminded of one woman who was married to a man who definitely was cloaked in narcissism, addictions, and abuse. Yes, he was an alcoholic, and he was an equal opportunity abuser, too. She prided herself on the fact that at their dinner parties, she could smooth all the feathers her husband invariably ruffled.

It is nice to take pride in your abilities, but really, should anyone even have to take pride in such a thing? And yet, I am not about to judge her harshly. After all, I took pride in my ability to cope with circumstances that a woman who wasn’t suffering from codependency would never have endured–at least more than a couple of times. A woman who was aware of and embraced her personal power might have given a man plagued by narcissism, addictions, and abuse a second chance to see if what she had observed was unusual behavior. But when she saw him repeat it again, she would have suspected otherwise and been out of there, don’t you imagine?

Sadly, codependents find a sense of identity, and they gain a source of pride in the victim or martyr role, wouldn’t you agree?

Yeah, sometimes we have to take a good hard look at some of the behaviors we engage in as the codependent wives of these men with their narcissism, addictions, and abuse. Really, does it make sense to keep putting ourselves in a place we must engage in such behaviors?

So, could you better enjoy your holiday season if you made a decision not to run interference or smooth ruffled feathers yourself? Can you allow people to perhaps get angry at your husband because he engages in behaviors that are inconsiderate, obnoxious, or hurtful? Hence, people are being authentic when they express their indignation or perhaps elect to leave, wouldn’t you suppose?

When you start to back off from some of your codependent behavior, and you allow your spouse to experience the natural consequences of his actions, some type of a shift or change is apt to occur. It might be in you versus him since men exhibiting narcissism, addictions, and abuse are not apt to change. But it might make it easier for you to see clearly. The fog might lift so you see what you need to do if you are not prepared to accompany him on a downward spiral to oblivion.

Realize, though, there will likely be consequences when you step back from those actions the codependent you kept taking in the past. Thus, get a support system in place. You might find it by attending Al-Anon. Hang around after meetings and get to know some people. Find yourself a Sponsor. Discover if there is a therapist people in the program recommend. A therapist who knows something about narcissistic men, addictions, and the more subtle forms of abuse you are likely victim to, might prove helpful.

Remember, the man who is addicted and abusive on top of being narcissistic is unlikely to change. But he will probably be happy to keep using you as an excuse for his bad behavior. Really, do you want that for the rest of your life?

Why don’t you make it your mission to reclaim yourself this coming year–if not discover who you are for the first time.

Here’s wishing you Happy Holidays and a great New Year!